Monday, April 30, 2012

Co-habitation Tears

I like to consider myself a hip, relaxed, and "with it" type of person rather than a fuddy-duddy, middle-aged woman. I'm pretty easy going. No. Scratch that. I am easy going. I go with the flow. I live and let live. I try very hard not to pass judgement on others. Why waste my time? That's not my job. That's God's and I'm very certain he is much better at it than I am.

Plus, such disdain, disgust, distrust, and general all around negativity just takes too much effort. I simply don't have the energy to be judgemental of others. As long as your not hurting me, my husband, or my children, have a good go at it. Knock yourself out.

So, when two adults decide to sweat off my back. Have I done it myself? No. Would I? No. But, that's me and my decision. If you want to and you're happy with that situation, I'm happy for you.

However, let's turn back the clock to before I was married the first time around. Do I wish I would've lived with my first husband before saying I do? Hell, YES! But, I didn't and fifteen months after meeting him we were married and I moved in. I stood at that alter knowing I was making a huge mistake. It took me ten years to unravel that one. However, today, I can't call it a mistake...that union brought me a beautiful little girl who I could not live without. So, you can see why I'm completely on the fence on this subject.

So, I'm talking about two adults here. Where I have issues and have a hard time from refraining judgement is when two adults decided to co-habitate with their children from previous marriages/relationships.
You'll have to excuse me, because we're having a moment in our house right now which stems directly from the aforementioned living arrangement. LB spent the afternoon balling his eyes out, sobbing uncontrollably at the news that his former "pseudo-step-father" has just turned over his beloved ex-dog to a rescue shelter without timely notification. Why, you ask? The new girlfriend is allergic and gave ex-pseudo-step-father an ultimatum; her or the dog.

She sounds like a peach, doesn't she? (Anyone else besides me see the red flag waving high in the air?)

I had to remind D2 to watch her mouth. I asked she refer to ex-pseudo-step-father as a jerk rather than an a$$#*%@. It's important we hold ourselves to a certain level of decorum around these parts.

We already went through all the break up drama when in 2010 they sold the house they bought together and co-habitated in for almost 5 years. Over a year later, we are still trying to help the kids deal with the fall out of demise of the failed co-habitation. First, we had to help the kids grapple with the loss of  the pseudo-family unit break up, then it was the slow loss of the pseudo-step-brother/sister relationships (I'll be honest- some hurt more than others), then the loss of their house, and now (years later) it's reared it ugly head again with the dog.

Can you feel my frustration? It's the kids, it all about the kids. Must we screw around with their young, little lives, too?

I'll be the first one to tell you divorce sucks. In my head I tried to come up with a more dignified and eloquent way to phrase that sentiment, but there's not. For the kids, I wish my first marriage was successful. For my step-kids, I wish the marriage of their mother and father worked out. The kids deserve that. That is the perfect idealistic life we all strive for. Too bad the idealism is not realism...for the kids. Our kids are great young people who deserve a cohesive family unit.

My heart is filled with sorrow knowing we weren't successful at providing a cohesive family unit for them. So, I do my best by trying to hug LB's tears away. I rub his back, tell him it's okay to cry, and start making phone calls to other family members who might be able to come to our rescue and take the dog. What more can a step-mother do?

I wanted so much to tell the kids that this is why you never co-habitate when kids are involved. However, I think it might be best if I wait for all the tears to dry.


  1. Ughhh...coming form a broken home...this stuff sucks. Sounds like you are handling it as best as you can. I can't even imagine how hard that must be. I am so sorry. ((hugs))

  2. It is so good that they have you. I know how hard it is to be the step sister and step kid, but I have no idea how hard it is to watch my children (step or otherwise) go through all of this. It must be unbearable for you. Just know that having someone like you in their lives is helping them in ways you may never know.

    1. Thanks, Nika....I hope so.. I try my best.

  3. Poor kid! I hope he is able to find a good home for the dog!!

  4. Oh yes...I know about this SO well. So many stories that I wish I could share, but cannot in fear of internet stalker retaliation.

    GREAT POST! :)

  5. Divorce is terrifying. Damnit. :(

  6. When kids are involved, yeah you want to be really sure you plan on the long haul before co-habitating. Because just moving in together is a disruption. On top of the fact that they've already had a divorce disruption.

  7. Ugh. That's so hard. At least you're providing a cohesive family for them now least on your end. I hope everything works out with the dog!

  8. This is so sad, for so many reasons. You are correct in that no matter what you think is ok for adults, no matter what works for adults, none of it matters if it doesn't work for the kids. I hope things work out.

  9. It's frustrating when people don't think of the kids. I am divorced, and I really really really try hard to always put them first. I can't imagine moving in with someone while the girls are young, nor ever getting married.

    That new girlfriend sounds like a catch! Can't she got take some shots? Does she not give a crap about the kids? You sound like an awesome stepmom!

  10. Kids make all the difference - for good and more difficult. What was that movie where Cuba Gooding Jr. tells Tom Cruise that you don't mess with single moms and "love" unless you're in it to win it. Goes for the moms, too. But mostly, it goes for the kids. So sorry for this pain and stress. It's hard to be the adult, no matter how adult we may be!

  11. I'm with Kristin, 100%! Had I known all that I've come to learn, I would have refused to grow up past 18.

    That new girlfriend? Hell, I would have put her in a shelter and kept the poor dog. Her personality (or lack thereof) screams that it's only about her, everything else is secondary or..doesn't matter at all.

    Good for you in trying to keep it all together.

  12. There's some very selfish behaviour going on here and it sucks for the kids. It sucks for YOU, too since you seem to be the only one thinking about the kids and trying to help them navigate this bullshit. Not. Fair.

  13. You have a great attitude about life, and no matter what happens, you are instilling those beliefs and values in the kids and they will take those lessons well into adulthood.

  14. Ugh, that sucks. Once you have kids, they HAVE to come first!

  15. Oh that's awful. Poor LB! I hope someone can rescue the dog. That just breaks my heart.

  16. This totally sucks. And I have to say that I agree with you - no cohabitation with kids. Without, I'm totally okay with. But with, not so much.

  17. oh man. this is hard. hope that this works out - and yes, that adults keep in mind that it is not just them tied into relationships. there are other hearts on the line.

  18. Oh, bless his little heart! It's awful how many dogs are surrendered to shelters because a new boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't like the dog. PSA: Ladies, if the man will betray his dog for you, it's a sign that he's not very loyal to those he loves! Run! Faster!


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