My Daily Scrounge

Every, single day, I rummage through the pantry after lunch. Okay, so maybe not rummage; ransack is more like it.

I don’t have a walk-in pantry; it’s simply an over-sized long cabinet. So, I picture myself looking much like a tick with it’s head dug deep into my dog. My ass high up in the air as I try my best for a successful feed.

Sometimes, I’m lucky and I will find a fresh truffle. That’s always a good possibility after a holiday. Other times, it’s a fail, and I find myself munching on chocolaty tidbits no other family member will touch. Despite this, I find them ingestible and they’ll do for my purposes. 

Today, it's crap and piddly-poo! My house is vacant of chocolate.

I couldn’t even find some old, stale, leftover Easter candy. Don’t laugh, but with four kids, we usually have some oxidized eggs bunched up in some corner of the pantry the entire year.

I searched Little Buddy’s room. He had one chocolate Easter Bunny eyeing me seductively from a prominent spot on his bookshelf. It was still fully clothed in its foil wrapping, so I thought I should move on. God willing, I would find some loot which could be snagged without notice. 

I ran up the stairs and entered carefully into each of the girls’ rooms, making sure I didn’t touch anything. I’m pretty sure there are toxins in there. Despite this knowledge, I would still eat any sliver of a chocolate curl I found. A KitKat from last Halloween? BRING IT! I have faith in antibiotics should I find myself with a fresh case of ecoli, salmonella, giardia, tapeworm or any other nasty, foul bug that presents itself in a petri dish. 

I looked around, in the closet, and on my knees under the beds. I found plenty, but nothing which would relieve my craving. 

So, I tried going the healthy route; I found myself gnashing on four month old, vegan, carob chips. They didn't do. They weren’t quite enough to quench the craving and I had to further scrounge. I dove my head back in the pantry and came out only after having unearthed an old bag of dried cranberries.

Crap! Lift my breasts and sock me in my muffin top!

Before I realize it, I’m driving to the nearest convenience store. I’m thinking a Twix should do.