Tuesday, July 10, 2012

My Daily Scrounge


Every, single day, I rummage through the pantry after lunch. Okay, so maybe not rummage; ransack is more like it.
I don’t have a walk-in pantry; it’s simply an over-sized long cabinet. So, I picture myself looking much like a tick with it’s head dug deep into my dog. My ass high up in the air as I try my best for a successful feed.
Sometimes, I’m lucky and I will find a fresh truffle. That’s always a good possibility after a holiday. Other times, it’s a fail, and I find myself munching on chocolaty tidbits no other family member will touch. Despite this, I find them ingestible and they’ll do for my purposes. 
Today, it's crap and piddly-poo! My house is vacant of chocolate.
I couldn’t even find some old, stale, leftover Easter candy. Don’t laugh, but with four kids, we usually have some oxidized eggs bunched up in some corner of the pantry the entire year.
I searched Little Buddy’s room. He had one chocolate Easter Bunny eyeing me seductively from a prominent spot on his bookshelf. It was still fully clothed in its foil wrapping, so I thought I should move on. God willing, I would find some loot which could be snagged without notice. 
I ran up the stairs and entered carefully into each of the girls’ rooms, making sure I didn’t touch anything. I’m pretty sure there are toxins in there. Despite this knowledge, I would still eat any sliver of a chocolate curl I found. A KitKat from last Halloween? BRING IT! I have faith in antibiotics should I find myself with a fresh case of ecoli, salmonella, giardia, tapeworm or any other nasty, foul bug that presents itself in a petri dish. 
I looked around, in the closet, and on my knees under the beds. I found plenty, but nothing which would relieve my craving. 
So, I tried going the healthy route; I found myself gnashing on four month old, vegan, carob chips. They didn't do. They weren’t quite enough to quench the craving and I had to further scrounge. I dove my head back in the pantry and came out only after having unearthed an old bag of dried cranberries.
Crap! Lift my breasts and sock me in my muffin top!
Before I realize it, I’m driving to the nearest convenience store. I’m thinking a Twix should do.


read to be read at yeahwrite.me

51 comments:

  1. I'm a chocoholic too but especially on my period. I can't get enough of the stuff. It's soooo good. I'm glad you got your fix.

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    1. Well, thanks to my hysterectomy, I can't even use THAT as an excuse! :(

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  2. I ate a bag of potato chips last night after having a bottle of wine. So, I hear you. How can we stop???

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  3. I know where the stash is!! At my house after halloween, easter, birthday parties I gather everything. They forget how much they had, and I get to raid their loot guilt free (sort of). I also keep a bag of chocolate chips in the freezer just in case the stash is without chocolate, and only the hard candy remain. Thanks for making me want to chocolate right now:-)

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    Replies
    1. A pre-emptive strike! I like it!! I'll do it!! Can't wait for October!

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  4. The only thing worse than a house without chocolate is a house without chocolate or wine.

    I write this as I am eating Hershey Easter eggs I have stashed away hidden from the kids (somehow they taste better than the kisses, to me at least)

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  5. I had a day like this today.. I made a chocolate cake from scratch after seeing yummy desserts all on pinterest. I haven't tried it yet, so we'll see if it hits the spot!

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    1. Oh, my!!! Was it delish???? I haven't baked from scratch in years!

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  6. Oh yes, oh yes, chocolate. Sometimes you just have to have it!

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  7. God yes. Chocolate is sometimes necessary. Period. And I have stooped to months old holiday candy before. Shamelessly.

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  8. I'm a chocolate snob. I eat only Dove dark chocolate. So good. But I do spray whipped cream into my mouth from the fridge. Is that bad?

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    Replies
    1. Chocolate snob! Love it! I want to sit next to you!

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  9. I have a big red apple cookie jar in my dining room where all the candy goes. There's always something left over in there. Sometimes' it's even edible.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, gosh, if it were out in the open in plain sight it would always be empty around our house!

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  10. Yes, I've been there. Unwrapping that old chocolate Easter egg, seeing that it's turned white, and popping it in my mouth anyway. When I can get it, I like popcorn and plain M&Ms. If you haven't tried that, you must. Make sure you throw them in there when the popcorn is still hot. They get all melty. It's fantastic.

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  11. Must. Find. Chocolate.

    I should not have read this after rehearsal and while combating writer's block with two deadlines looming tomorrow. Now I have another way to procrestinate tonight...

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    Replies
    1. Oopsie! Sorry! But it may give the creative juices a jump???

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  12. Just great, now I want chocolate. Maybe Kellie has some hidden somewhere.

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  13. I ate ALL of my daughter's Halloween candy this year. Shameful.

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    1. ALL?! I would never get away with that. Mutiny would ensue!

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  14. I know those cravings all too well! And I know about finding old candy - I just cleaned out the old diaper bag and found some three-year+ chocolate Easter eggs. How did my girls forget about these? Finders keepers!

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    1. Diaper bag chocolate??? You better double check to make sure that brown stuff is chocolate! Yikes! LOL! :)

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  15. I know those cravings all too well! I just found some 3+ year old chocolate candies in the old diaper bag. How did my girls miss these? Finders keepers!

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  16. Oh, I have totally been there. I'm glad I'm not alone.

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  17. Replies
    1. I'm actually so happy I wrote this post. Knowing I am not the only one, is soothing!

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  18. I'm more of a salty gal myself (in both taste and personality), but every once in a while...chocolate and a glass of red wine. Sheer bliss.

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    1. Chocolate and red wine are my favorite combination!!!

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  19. I down about 6 Hershey's kisses on a nightly basis once my kids are in bed (don't want to set a bad example). I always feel like there should be a reality show called Secret Eaters: Mommy Edition.

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    1. I used to have a whole stash in my office at work. Everyone knew about it and would come by to steal some!

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  20. I need a little salty with my sweet, so I love dropping chunks of dark chocolate into my jar of peanut butter. Heaven!

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  21. ::::STILL LAUGHING!!::::: "Lift my breasts and sock me in my muffin top!" - INSTANT classic! I am stealing the crap out of that. P.S. Do you live at my house? This is the EXACT same process I go through daily, except we only have one kid to pilfer from. DAMMIT. Must make more kids. For emergencies.

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    Replies
    1. Ha! You have my permission. I must admit I was chuckling at the thought of it. I pictured a swoop and lift of both breasts with the left forearm and good hook with the right! ;0)

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  22. Ah... the sinful pleasures.... ;)

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  23. Funny stuff! Now do you juice Kit Kat bars? That might be worth drinking. Ellen

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  24. Scary as it is, you sound like me sneaking into rooms looking for candy, particularly of the chocolate persuasion. I will hesitate if I unwrap and it is discolored. I scrounge my pantry cabinet even though I know I haven't bought anything recently in the hopes that while in there, other things multiply or morph into chocolate. Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, a frozen Snickers Bar or yum, yum, a Twix! All favs!!!

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  25. Thanks for inspiring me to eat two dark chocolate peanut butter cups and mini dark chocolate Milky Way. Great writing!

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  26. It's not chocolate that does me in, but I've had many moments of driving out to get something that I don't need-need but really want-need! Glad to see I'm not the only one!

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  27. Haha, well I have to say that I am happy I'm not the only person who does this! ;-)

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  28. Yes. The handfuls of chocolate chips, the stale mini oreos, the spoonfuls of nutella. I am so with you.

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  29. This is fantastic. Now I know i'm not the only one that scrabbles around for chocolate I feel a whole lot better about myself.

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