Thursday, August 23, 2012

Notes to Remember



This post is purely for myself. There are certain things I need to remember and as I age my brain seems to enjoy taking breaks all too frequently.


1. Even though Doc H has discovered seaweed is a "power food", skip the kelp bar soap. It makes your spouse smell like Pine Sol. No one wants to hump a bottle of Pine Sol. Go for the lavender or rose soap. While there may be nothing "powerful" about it, it will have aromatherapy qualities. Kelp soap just reminds you your bathroom floors need mopping.

2. Next time you sit in a wicker chair and hear a crack and pop, don't continue to sit there wondering, "What was that?" Stand up quickly, WOMAN! Otherwise, before you know it you'll be staring at your Pradas with the pretty blue sky as a background. A backwards somersault in you friend's flower bed in white pants is never impressive unless you jump up and yell, "TA-DAAAA!!!!".  Next time, don't forget the TA-DAAAA.

3. Never, EVER send your teen daughter on a 350 mile road trip with the mother of the Beau Hunk. Apparently, she likes to travel at night and doesn't know how to fill her car with gas. 

4. Again... Never, EVER, EVER send your teen daughter on a 350 mile road trip with the mother of the Beau Hunk. Apparently, (despite promises to look after your daughter's welfare) and with no notice either before or after, she will abandon your daughter for a plane ride home, leaving your daughter to catch a ride with a carload of other teens. Have a stressed the part about no notification?!

5. The fact you tried to pull a couples baby shower off is beyond your own comprehension. Of course, Doc H wasn't able to be home for the festivities. When he calls three-fourths through the party to say he is on his way home because the situation at the hospital isn't "salvageable", don't respond with an enthusiastic "Oh! Great you'll make it", because he will respond with "I have to go talk to the family and let them know she won't make it." You will be kicking yourself in the ass for being such an ass of a human being as you hang up the phone.

4 comments:

  1. Well I hope the beau hunk is more reliable than his mother!
    Oh, and TADA!!

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  2. i just went back and read about Beau HUk and i'm dying :) :)

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  3. Oh, man, the one where you're staring at your Pradas against a pretty blue sky had me rolling!

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  4. This was funny...until I read about Beau Hunk. I have a real sensitivity to losers dating women I know... My advice is send her to Europe for the summer (not this summer obviously) to do a study abroad to get HIM out of her head. I had a boyfriend in high school. He and his daddy were really rich but he was a complete loser and the relationship was not healthy. (And his mom was a troubled alcoholic who also pulled ridiculous stunts like mentioned above). My parents hated him way more than you confess on this blog for the exact same reasons: think of everything you don't want someone to do to your teenage daughter. I'm a firm believer in NOT letting these things simmer and I know your situation is complicated with your current husband NOT being the biological father of your daughter BUT seriously...NOTHING good comes of being nice to these idiots. The longer your daughter is emotionally attached and bonded to this guy the better opportunity he will have to RUIN her life in a way that no parent ever wants to think of. Get her in counseling (Why is she attracted to such a loser? - I could probably answer that bc I was her once), get her busy with kids her own age and activities that are developmentally appropriate and SHIP HER OFF to Europe. My uncle did that to his teenage daughter when she was getting too serious with a boyfriend. It worked! She went to Paris for 6 weeks, lived with 3 other girls and forgot about douchebag and then went to college a year later. The problem with girls that age (again, speaking from experience) is that they don't realize there is this BIGGER GREATER world outside of their high school bubble. I've got 3 sister inlaws married/attached to losers (They are in their 20's and 30's). I finally was able to break it off with my "loser" BF when I went off to college 2000 miles away...sorry for all the bossy advice. This is my sore spot. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete

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