Wednesday, October 24, 2012

A Pair of Idiots: The Stupid One

On our trip home, Doc H and I, both, had our idiotic moments. 

Lucky for him, his came off cute and even a bit charming. I wish I could say the same for mine. 

Here's some background you must know. For some strange reason, when I travel {no matter what the mode of transportation} my bladder shrinks to the size of a pea. Lucky me. Thank goodness, Doc H is a patient man and always willing to pull over at my bladder's beckon call.

Flying provides much planning on my part. Two hours before departure, I cut down on my liquid intake. Now, this provides an enormous problem. If you remember, I don't like to fly. I have self-imposed limits to my travel. Flights must be short and on jet planes. No props for me, thank you. 

And without adult beverages prior to boarding, Doc H may NEVER get me on that plane to Italy.  It's a problem. Poor man works like a dog and can't take the vacation he desires, because his phobia-riddled wife puts the kibosh on his dream vacation. Like I said, it's a problem.

I hit the bathroom just prior to boarding and pray we are not held up on the runway. 

Normally, when we fly, we are able to choose our seats. Doc H gets the aisle seat and I sit next to him. This time we flew an airline which herds its clientele like cattle {you know the one?} and we had pitiful placement in line to board. We were doubtful we would be able to sit together, yet we did. Me, in the middle seat, and Doc H in the window seat. Some stranger got the aisle. 

So, with Doc H squeezed into his seat with his knees buckled up around his ears, and me praying the rosary asking Jesus to get us home safely and keep my bladder in check, we lifted into the sky.

I was dreading having to bother Mr. Aisle on behalf of my bladder. It was a fortuitous moment when my bladder began spasming and he got up to use the facilities himself. The airline attendant warned him of the line for the lavatory in the back, and pointed out the vacant lavatory at the front of the plane. 

I watched Mr. Aisle enter the lavatory, and waited for him to exit, making sure I followed the TSA rule to not stand in front of the cockpit. Lord knows I don't want to be questioned or held up by an undercover air marshal. 

So, as I watched Mr. Aisle exit from the lavatory, my bladder propelled me off my seat quickly in an effort to beat anyone else to the front of the plane. 

As I approached the door which would provide my bladder's salvation, I noted the odd little red light and some strange looking buttons. Regardless, I was a woman on a wee mission. Ignoring the light, I turned the knob. It wouldn't budge. I tried turning it, sliding it... the damned thing was stuck. I turned to the back of the plane and noted the long line for that lavatory. 

I saw Mr. Aisle come out this door. I knew the lavatory was vacant. Being persistent, I decided to put some of my weight behind it. Turning the handle, I put some of my shoulder and hip into it. Nothing. Turn the knob, fiddle the knob, bang, and pound. Still... nothing.

My bladder about to burst, I hear someone walk up behind me. "You don't want to go in that door. It's the cockpit. We'd have to arrest you if you got in there" says the flight attendant. She points to the door to my left. "That's the door you're looking for, right?" She wore a concerned, but polite smile.

I turn to see a door which is clearly labelled "LAVATORY".

**Oh. Piss and vinegar. I'm a first class idiot sitting in coach.**

She gave me a pity smile as I opened the correct door. As I entered, I quickly poked my head back out and desperately begged her, "Please don't tell my husband!"

A few minutes later, she handed me and Doc H our nuts. My nuts were handed to me with a wink and a "it's our secret" smile.

After a second, the incident replayed in my brain and I couldn't help but to begin to laugh at myself. It was at that time I had to come clean with Doc H and share my moment of utter brilliance with him. 

He shook his head and began to laugh at me.

**I am the stupid one.** 


  1. That's hilarious!!! How red did your face go???

  2. Hopping over from SITS to leave a Saturday hello. :)

    That sounds like a moment you will not soon forget, that's for sure! I'm glad you were able to laugh about it later. :)

  3. A full bladder makes us do crazy things. Blame it on animal instinct. I'm glad you didn't get arrested.

    Happy Sharefest. Have a great weekend.

  4. It's a well known fact: bladder turns on, brain turns off.

  5. They really get mad when women pee in the cockpit. It's only for men; that's why they call it a ...


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