Friday, January 11, 2013

They're Not Ta-Tas and Va-Jay-Jay's in The Exam Room

We're going to get serious real quick today.

Breasts and vaginas.

See? Quick and serious.

Notice I didn't call them ta-tas and va-jay-jays or tits and coochies. Why? Because, we're talking about these lady parts in the medical sense today... not as parts we play with.

I found myself commenting on Lab Coats and Liabilities' latest post, Facing the Doctor Reality (read it... go ahead... I'll wait for you right here). Miss L is struggling with her boyfriend's transition into what I call "DoctorLand".  DoctorLand is the world in which your Doc H equivalent works many hours away from home. You find yourself alone (a lot), and to make matters worse, Miss L's boyfriend is on gynie patrol. Yep, he's touching other women's private parts. And getting paid to do so. Legally.

If this turns you on, I think you need counseling.
I think the trick to keeping your sanity and maintaining a happiness within yourself as a Doctor's Wife is twofold. First, you must be an independent spirit who enjoys time to herself and can single-handedly hold down the family fortress by herself. Second, you have to remember medicine can be as nasty as a hat full of anusholes.

Yes, medicine is exciting, fascinating, and intriguing. However, it is also smelly and vile. There's piss, poop, and plenty of other body odors which rival sulfur. Gross. Right behind piss and poop are saggy, old breasts and strangers' vaginas, which in my book are just as nasty. Trust me... I am at an age in which I must roll my breasts up and into their cups every morning. This daily routine makes me an expert in this field.

Have you looked your vagina in the eye, lately? Yes, the vagina is a powerful thing; it's able to spew life. Some will compare its beauty to a flower.

I call bullsh*t on that one.

It's ugly and smelly.

On the exam table, it's worse. Unless it's there for a normal check up, Miss L's boyfriend will be looking at vaginas displayed on an exam table which are infected, dried up, knocked up, or effed up with PP, HPV, or a long and sordid list of STDs.

Worse case scenario: the lady patient finds Miss L's doctor boyfriend attractive. What will the patient do after squirming around uncomfortably as he feels her breasts for lumps and removes the cold, hard speculum after her PAP? She'll switch to another OB/BYN.

How do I know this?

I once attended a woman's networking meeting and this EXACT same subject came up. One lady shared the story of how she had to switch OBs because she thought her doctor was too attractive. Several other ladies nodded in amazement. They had the SAME experience with a local OB/GYN. Imagine the laughter that errupted in the room when we discovered they had all quit the same OB/GYN. Apparently, no one wants McDreamy or McSteamy doing gynie patrol on them.

Women don't want to be touched by strange men even if they are their doctor. Likewise, I think male doctors feel the distain of the encounter and feel equally uncomfortable. If they are comfortable, they've been practicing for awhile and breasts and vaginas are to them just as nuts and screws are to a handyman; the parts' names are suggestive, but nothing pleasant can be done with them.

Breasts and vaginas are merely work parts. Some may be better than others, but none are quite like the ones you have at home.

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  1. My former client's ex-husband must have been turned on because it seems he was eff just about everyone LOL. Seriously, I hate those exams so much, I rarely get them, which is not right either.

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  3. And of course the other trick to keeping your sanity when you are a Dr.'s wife is to ensure you are treating yourself to martinis :)

    Loved this post - true, funny and what a better way to kick off the weekend other than with tits and cooties!

  4. Once you put that picture up, it immediately took away any doubts that something sexual could ever go on in those exams. Ick! Thanks for great advice post though - hilarious as always! :)

  5. So true! I'm so weirded out by it that I've only ever been to women OB/GYN's...

  6. Wow! You sure know how to take the joy out of vaginas and breasts. I don't know if I want to go near them now, but I'm guessing I'll get over that feeling in a few minutes.

  7. Love this! I always have preferred a male gyno because I always felt like they were more gentle with their exams. I've had male and female doctors so I can say with confidence that the male doctors I've had were gentler and just generally nicer people.

    My first gyno was good looking. I didn't care....he was doing his job and I was there for him to do his job for me....he just happened to be nice to look at.

    Maybe I'm weird or just have no shame.

  8. Plus the hours are terrible! My gyn is a woman ;)

  9. Uh yeah, vaginas can be SUPA NARSTY! The blogger you are talking about has zero to worry about. Her boyfriend will likely come home and sigh in satisfaction that his lady doesn't have one like the ones he saw that day :)

  10. Haha, this post made me laugh. I love it whenever my hubby has to do a breast rotation. Not only are the hours nice, but he sees so many not-so-pretty sites that my boobs become even better!

  11. I've always wondered about that. Thanks for putting it into perspective.

  12. New Follower! Found you through the I Love My Post Linkup! When you have time, come visit at and if you like what you see.. follow back! Happy New Year!

  13. This is such a great post. Vaginas and Breasts and Penises...all of it is clinical. One of the very first patients I saw was for an "STD check" and the guy was about my age. I felt so uncomfortable and the entire time. They all look the same, and the same is true of vaginas. We're not judging, by the end of the day, we don't even remember whose was what? I didn't get comfortable going to the gynecologist until I became a med student and started doing pelvic exams myself.

  14. Excellent! Just read it to the hub and he agreed with the foulness.

  15. This kind of depressed me. I hope my husband doesn't think I'm ugly and smelly. And now I don't want to go to the doctor ever again. Thank God I'm done with kids as of 4 months ago - hopefully I won't have to any time soon.

  16. My DrH tells me 99% of private parts he see's are beyond foul--as in infected, rotting, smelly and every other nasty thing you could think of. If anything I feel sorry for him that he has to put in central lines or what have you near stinky obese crotches, breast surgery on people who don't take care of themselves, etc. He said his ob/gyn rotation was the worst ever in medical school. you see...when women have babies they also take giant craps. When you mix those two things together you've got to be a real sicko to get off to anything that remotely resembles a pelvic exam or giving birth. My husband is a surgeon. He see's naked people all day long bc you have to be naked when you get operated on--even if operation doesn't involve private parts. My goodness people need to get out a bit AND stock their bar full of vodka as another lady mentioned. :) love this post!

  17. LOL, what an entertaining post. I was cracking up laughing throughout its entirety. As someone that's interested in Ob-Gyn I'm sure I'll be able to relate to how at some point all vaginas and breast are the same (in a sense). But I'm sure they each have to be treated according to each individual person, right?

    Per the usual I love the post!


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