Monday, February 11, 2013

I Saw Penises!

A sign like this
would've been appreciated
This weekend is going down in our history.

Have you ever experienced one of those moments is life when, as you were living it - experiencing it - you knew you would always refer back to it as, "Remember the weekend when dot dot dot"? Both Doc H and I felt it, lived it, and appreciated it.

This weekend will go down in our history as "Remember the weekend when we ran into all the penises?"

I kid you not.

Other than LB's little boyhood dingy, and his father's schlong, I haven't seen a non-family ding-a-ling in over a decade.  That is, until Doc H and I went on our "date" day this past Saturday and I experienced penises galore.

The day began innocently enough. We drove out of town and literally stumbled upon a fantastic restaurant with fantastic views. We were able to get a table within fifteen minutes without a reservation.

One blood orange mimosa, organic spinach and chard omelet with roasted fingerling potatoes, and a chocolate tort later, Doc H and I headed out to explore. We had no specific plans except to enjoy the day.

We headed out, finding ourselves at a popular park which was filled with people. Dads were flying kites, kids were tossing baseballs, young couples were tossing frisbees, joggers passed us by, dogs happily ran about chasing their balls and sticks, couples walked by us hand in hand, engaged couples were holding their kisses long enough for their photographer to get the perfect engagement photo. It was a beautiful setting.

Doc H was busy photographing the natural beauty of the setting, while I caddied for him. I was his "lens" girl. Doc H was having fun, and I was having fun. We were having fun together.

All was good in our world.

Then Doc H suggested we walk toward the end of the park, so he could get the "perfect" shot.

So, we did.

As we approached the far end of the park, I noticed a a guy, standing at the farthest end. He wore a navy sweatshirt, baseball cap, shades, and what I thought was a tiger-striped Speedo. I thought it odd, but I've seen crazier outfits, so I didn't put much though into it.

And then we got closer.

And closer.

And closer.

As soon as I realized there was no Speedo, I hear Doc H, "...UGH!!! God!!!"

We immediately started laughing, but had to try to hold it together since we were now basically right in front of the man as he stood free and swinging.

We hung a hard left and veered away.

Doc H wanted to climb up a rocky path in order to capture the perfect photo. I began to follow, but halfway through the schlep, I decide I had to stay true to myself and my shoes, and told him to go on without me. I had to turn back. My shoes were being torn to shreds.

As I turned back and began my descent, I found a short squat man had laid a blanket in the middle of my path. My heartbeat quickened as I instinctively knew what was about to happen. There with me only a short five feet away from him, he dropped his shorts.

What I saw blinded me and rendered me speechless.

I continued on and waited for Doc H.

Doc H was astonished and asked if I had seen the short-squat's hairy ass.

I told him, thankfully, I had not. The full frontal assault on my vision which I had just endured was quite enough.

In case you were wondering, neither nudist resembled an underwear model.

We laughed the rest of weekend. Especially when we returned home, downloaded Doc H's photos and realized he had taken a wide angle, high def, photo of the park. Guess who was there in the lower right hand corner?

That's right...

Penis #1 standing strong... standing proud.


  1. WOW... that is quite a date. Probably a once in a lifetime date... you should write to the producers of The Bachelor and have them add this to their list of fantasy dates for next season!

    1. In all honesty, this just scratches the surface. Oh my word! It was QUITE a weekend!

  2. Haha! This is funny! :) Reminds me of when we were on our honeymoon in San Francisco & happened upon a giant group of bikers (bicyclers) who were all nude. We first saw them from afar & were like, is that...? uh...? do they have clothes on??? As they came closer, we saw that it was true they did not. There must have been 100 of them! Some on their bikes, some walking them... just flappin' in the breeze.

  3. Oh, my. That is just too much! Is it legal to walk around nekkid like that?!

  4. I just laughed out loud and freaked out my kids! My husband and I honeymooned at Sandals resort in Jamaica...which just happens to be next to Hedonism resort. Let me tell you, nothing can scare you more than pedal boating past naked volleyball!!!!!

    1. Oh MY!!!! The visual going through my head is giving me a headache! :)

  5. That happened to my Mom once. When she was camping with my boys. It was a very doughy woman sunbathing nude that my then 8 year old got to see. No signs, no warning. Just bam - a big ole pile of mushy oatmeal.

  6. When my daughter lived in Austin there was a park there where everyone knew there were always nudists in a particular area! We never visited, honestly, but it seemed odd that it is just in a section of the park and not behind a fence or something. Anyway, I came by via the GFC blog hop and now follow you on twitter and GFC, hope you can check out my blog, and I assure you that you won't bump into any penises there, well not yet anyway ;)
    Angela x

  7. Oh...Holy Hell...seeing that in the park is enough to make anyone squarely. hahaha
    I remember when I was really young and my family was camping, my mother and I were looking for a vacant dressing room in a building near the lake. She flung open a door and there, with a horrified look on her face, (probably unequaled by the looks of horror on ours) was a huge butt naked woman. Still haven't been able to erase that. Argghh...

  8. The best part was when you said, "...what I thought was a tiger-striped speedo." What was WRONG with this man's privates? Made me laugh out loud. Hilarious. You've got a new follower, girlfriend! Mostly because I expect lots more penis stories. Oh, wait, it's not THAT type of blog? Ah, well. I'll still follow. Haha

    1. The sun (along with other things) was peeking out and created shadows-- I'm guessing.

      Thanks for the follow! Following you, too!!! :)


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