Friday, September 6, 2013

The Loneliness of Being a Doctor's Wife

loneliness of being a doctor's wife
I discovered something last night. While I couldn't do my husband's job, he couldn't do mine, either. He couldn't deal with the loneliness of being a doctor's wife.

It was his second night away from home; the first time he had traveled to our vacation/retirement home completely alone. No wife, not one of the kids, not even the dog.

He rang me up before bed, gave me a run down on how the landscaping renovations are coming along and then he said, "I wish you were up here. It's really lonely up here all by myself."

And that stayed with me.

That night I laid in bed and stretched myself beyond my usual confines sprawling myself across the entire mattress. His words resonated within me. I am almost always alone.

I am alone while he is:
in clinic,
in the OR,
in meetings,
in conference calls,
rounding,
dictating,
charting,
scheduling,
speaking with patients,
speaking with patients' families,
attends conferences,
attends M&M's,
attends board meetings,
meets with colleagues,
meets with administrators,
mentors residents,
meets with attorneys,
meets with bio tech execs,
meets with engineers,
takes call,
etcetera,
etcetera.

I have attended...
back to school nights,
Christmas pagents,
teacher's conferences,
back to school bbq,
end of school bbq,
school auctions,
graduation festivities,
endless kids' sporting games,
couples business dinners,
family functions,
parties,
double dates,
vacations,  
alone.

Yes, I live a life separate from my husband. His career is demanding of his time and attention leaving me ALONE. It is lonely.

And yet, I find myself working hard to stifle the loneliness. You won't hear me complaining to friends. You won't find me complaining to family. I'll hold my gripes inside, fearing the judgment I know I would be met with... the "Be happy! You married a doctor!" or, even worse, "What are you complaining about! He brings home an awesome paycheck."

Well, I don't know about you, but I didn't marry for a paycheck. I married for love, for his companionship, for a life partner. And when I dwell on that sentiment, it does make me lonely.

Yes. Just like I could never be a doctor, my husband could never be a doctor's wife. I deal with loneliness much better than he.


** But, I am also incredibly lucky to be married to a doctor.**




138 comments:

  1. seconded. love this post. we are strong strong women to deal with it. and money is NOT why we put up with it.

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    1. I am so happy to have found this blog. I feel like I belong to a sisterhood who understand my life. Some of my closest family and friends don't truly understand my life as hard as they try.

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    2. My husband is a surgical oncologist. After 15 years of marriage, I'm so used to living a separate life with our 3 kids. Sure it's lonely and hard work being a "single parent". We don't have any family here and I don't have nannies or any help. I find that I walk on egg shells when he is home. He can't make a mental switch easily to adjust to our pace of life. He just saw someone die or gave a devastating diagnosis or did an incredibly complex surgery with potential complications. And here we are with our trivial problems.

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    3. I can totally understand. My husband is a medical oncologist who deals primarily with ovarian cancer. He also travels an inordinate amount. I am struggling with keeping our worlds overlapping. He has changed so much over the years and is very impatient with the kids. I walk on egg shells as well and feel like I am merely a maid, cook, nanny, etc... I work to focus on the positive but the days are ing and lonely.

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    4. This makes me so sad. My fiance and I are both becoming doctors, but he is becoming an Orthopedic surgeon and I am becoming a Psychiatrist. I have way more free time than he does. I pray almost daily that his schedule will get better once we both started working, but I'm constantly concerned that I'll be doing most things alone too. I love him so much, but it's torture spending so much time without him.

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    5. This blog is very healthy because it has helped me to feel less resentful about all the time I have to spend alone doing homework and being at functions. Sometimes you might even get jealous of the patients since they seem to get to even see your 'doctor' more than you do.. whilst on admission. .lol!
      Reading your messages I don't feel bad about being in the shadow of his career. Never mind the paycheck because I even earn more than him. It just gets so lonely you invariably commission yourself a single parent. It has made me more creative in utilising time alone that it is sometimes preferred.
      I I must also say that some of them truly do have affairs even wit the best of spouses. They don't have control so they easily a
      Fall prey to other doctors and nurses etc. Who hit on them or the other way round. They spend so much time together. The hardworking doctors won't even get the time or energy for affairs

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    6. Where there is temptation... there will be a way. Hardworking or not, many of them work with beautiful women and actually do carry out affairs. This is something I see on an everyday basis.

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    7. I'm encouraged that this blog gives many of you hope. I am actually tired of the "excuse" that his work is so important or it's a calling. I am a 47 yr old Mom of a 4 yr old child with special needs who is completely alone to care for my child a good part of the time. I'm blessed that he is well and doing so well in school. My husband has the benefit of having his cake and eating it too. He realized his dream of being a specialty surgeon and having a family but leaves the dirty work to me. He puts no effort forth toward our marriage - he has no time or energy to do so. His energy is used on patients and (luckily) his son. Am I resentful - yes!!! It doesn't help to know that he is terrible at being alone. I knew that when I met him. This isn't encouraging to me, it's sad.

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    8. All I can recommend, as a docs wife of nearly 30 years, is prayer or to book a few sessions with a psychologist. It is someone you can talk to and feel heard, not judged, & it won't be repeated. Whatever you do, just don't let on to your child (ren) that you and their father are in disagreement. They can't seem to deal with it, and shouldn't have to. As a docs wife we have to deal with all sorts, and prayer has often been my lifeline. There are over 3000 promises in the Bible. Whenever you see 1, color it in yellow. Whenever you're down or lonely, read the yellow bits. Soon you'll feel better, because you're not alone. In Matt 28:20 Jesus promises to "never leave you nor forsake you." Hold onto that.
      I've had to. A few years ago I ended up in a wheelchair. I have always been a very active, outdoor person. Now
      Knowing your husband is surrounded by good looking women, makes you pray for them even harder.

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  2. I am not a doctor's wife so I won't say I understand, but I will give you a virtual hug. Thank you for your sacrifice.

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    1. thank u i think we all appreciate ur understanding and an advice do never fall inlove with a doctor.. even thought i love my doctor it is lonely as fuck its even worse than being single.

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    2. Found this blog just now after searching "married to a surgeon". After 21 years and an approaching empty nest, my husband has taken a new mistress.... Don't be shocked... His new, or rather, "renovated" mistress is physical activity. He has always kept her at the side, devoting almost equal time to me and her. However, now that the student loans are paid off and we have a nice fancy custom home, he has decided to devote his money and time to purchasing and using new bikes(road and mtn), skis (downhill and tele) and the list goes on. It is easier and more enjoyable for him to zone out in the world of sweat and toil (much like his school and training and work) than to get to know me. I've been holding out, mostly contentedly, for a time when we could appreciate each other as unique individuals. To embrace each others needs and interests, it seems I am destined to long for this connection into eternity. I am a fierce supporter of him and of his profession but at high cost to my own individuality. As a type A, highly ambitious, professionally successful, very high energy person, it is *impossible* for my husband to actually care about the "little" things in life. (If someone isn't dying then it is unlikely to be important.) If I wear a woman who was high energy, strong physically and could keep up with him on physical endeavors then he might be *happy* although, I don't know what his *happy* actually looks like. I think one has to become somewhat vulnerable and broken to truly experience the best side of happy- and he will not, and can not allow that to happen. Point is, I can push myself to my extreme physical ends and he has barely broken a sweat. We are at odds about this constantly. I want to ride bike and I love to be out in nature but His lack of compassion/understanding and my feelings of inadequacy and resentment get in the way. Now, lest you look at this all and say, "sheesh, go to counseling!" I must inform you that we have, many times. I'm beginning to think that it should be a monthly visit no matter what...? Anyway, I'm sad and disappointed and I know that it will be my job to keep the marriage together. With his compartmentalized mind, if I walk away, he will close that door and move on. I know that sounds cold but if you train under stress for that many years and become a member of a masochistic (not the sexual context) fraternity like that of surgical residents, then you more easily shut out anything that might break down those walls. Volnerability is weakness. Their pain is guarded within the confines of their professional experience. Anyway, i know that this is not the experience of every surgical marriage but i guarantee most of them can relate in some way or another. My husband says he will not compromise and that his physical activity is his priority. He does not place the marriage above it. Where does that leave me? Rhetorically speaking

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  3. Very well said...my husband can't stand the loneliness of being a doctor's wife. He was home alone on his one day off while I took off with our kids to visit family states away. He had a nervous breakdown- panic attack by 10am. Imagine if I had a panic attack every day at 10am?!?! I miss my husband dearly. We are best friends. And though most people think I'm the difficult one in the relationship they don't realize he is of stronger opinions he just let's me take the heat from outsiders. I could never put up with the crap he has to put up with but he could never put up with the loneliness I have to put up with....maybe that's why we make a great team?

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  4. Awww this makes me sooo sad. You have to be so strong to be on your own so much!

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  5. Great post. Very true, and we're just getting started (Hubby just began his intern year). Before it started he got me a puppy (that I maybe didn't really want) to keep me company to help deal with the loneliness, so at least hopefully he understands. That's one great thing about the internet and blogging...it helps to read about others doing the same thing.

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  6. That is exactly how I feel! And you are right about people telling you that you are lucky that you married a doctor and should not complain. I was just told that today when I told a friend how lonely it gets being married to a doctor and how I miss having my bestfriend around. I don't think people really understand how lonely it can get, unless you are married to one!

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    1. I was going to get engaged to a surgen ( Indians do go for arranged marriage) but my teacher (she is married to a doctor) asked me if i could manage to sacrifice family time after i get married to a doc.. Well guess wat my engagement got cancelled. Doctors are gift of God but when u marry, family too is important

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    2. I am so happy I found this blog. I have been a doctor's wife for almost 8 years. No one understands our lifestyle or how difficult it can be, not even my best friend and or family members no matter how hard they try to. There have been times in the last three years that we have had to live paycheck to paycheck so the idea of a rich doctor is antiquated in most cases. I feel like I have finally found a sisterhood (with a few brothers as well) of people who know how I feel and what I deal with on a daily basis. I am married to an amazing man and physician who cried when he told our 6 year old that he had to cancel on her classroom visit for the second time because he got called into work on his day off, again.

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    3. Well..... When you are a man married to a female doctor.
      Let me tell you, it is NOT any easier!
      The "loneliness" is not an issue for me. Always taking care of our two daughters single handedly is. Every one thinks I'am a single parent. Many times, that is exactly what it really does feel like.......
      Yes I'am all to aware about those silly answers regarding pay and "don't worry be happy" boloney.

      In truth if I had a chance to "do it all again" type of thing. Would I???
      I would have to say absolutely NOT!!!!!

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    4. As a fellow man married to a female Dr. I have to day that I totally agree!! Stay strong.

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    5. Hey Guys- I as well married a female Doc. Just like having children, you don't know what you have until you live it. I can honestly say we have grown apart thru the years. 18 I have lost my job as a home builder and find it difficult to keep a positive mind. Our children 18,13,10 have become a handful. The truth is I miss being together. Her home time is exclusively for the kids and paper work. I really fell that its time for me to move on. But thinking of the children I could not live with myself to do that. I keep the positive thought that it will get better.

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  7. This is a post to really think about. Food for thought.

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  8. Yup, know how that feels! Despite having three children around, it gets super lonely. No one understands it, so thank you for sharing your thoughts so I know I'm not alone and not being too needy for feeling alone.

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  9. Well done! I wonder if my husband ever wants to be alone?

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  10. True, True! I have been that crazy lady with four kids alone at everything, school events, home events, church events. I even had three kids in with me during a impromptu vaginal examination when I was preggo with my fourth. Thanks for springing that one on me OB. I have been known to share though because it gets on my nerves when my friends complain to me about how much money we are making...ironic because we are still in residency. Recently by some pure act of coincidence my hubby ended up with a day off on Labor day. So we took the kids camping. A friend of ours who is going to grad school at Duke started complaining to me about how he had to work while Dr. J didn't. "Wait up," I said, "Are you working Halloween Eve this year, Thanksgiving weekend, Christmas Eve or New Years Eve? Do you have to leave for work at six in the morning and don't get home until you kids are in bed? Do you work Easter, the day after your baby is born, weekends, nights? Do you work Spring Break, Christmas Break, Summer Break? Do you work through parent teacher conferences and the entire soccer season? Did you show up ten minutes late to your daughters dance recital in stinking scubs after a 24+4 shift." "No," he said. "Well never complain to me again." I'm just not as nice as you :)

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    1. That grad student better be working that hard if he or she wants to make it.

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  11. Yes! I deal better with inattention (when he is home) better than him as well. All through med school & residency too there are times when he is home & working or studying. When he is doing these things, he gets really upset with me if I try to talk to him because he's busy. However, I recently started going to grad school for statistics part time, which is very intensive & I have tons of homework, which requires a lot of concentration as well. But when I am doing homework or studying, he's usually at my side trying to get my attention or laying on me or otherwise whining that I'm not paying enough attention to him! I usually have to stop & give him some undivided attention for a while to satisfy him enough to leave me alone for a bit to study!

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    1. That's the real issue! Doctor's often set their priorities as: me, my work, my career, and me all over again! When I give my husband the "busy as hell" attitude he gets worried about our relationship! When I complain that I spent two days without seeing him and when he arrives home just keeps on answering his phone as if he was at work...he's busy with serious matters! The other day a colleague called just to complain about a patient of theirs at 8:00 am saturday! These people have no sense of privacy. No respect for people's time or relationships. The only thing they value it's themselves and their career. Most of them have affairs. Of course they do. And they manage to get the time for it. It's called selfishness and inability to set priorities. It has nothing to do with their career. It has to do with their character.

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    2. I completely agree with you! My doctor husband also has a daughter from a previous marriage who he travels to see every other weekend. Anytime he is with me and "our" son he is on call, distracted or "needs" time to watch football and golf. If I complain....I am the bitch who doesn't understand anything. By the way I work full time about 60 hours a week with my company and seem to never miss anything for my kid and can do all his bullshit also. You all are strong for staying but I just don't see how it is possible long term to live like this.

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    3. I completely agree with you! My doctor husband also has a daughter from a previous marriage who he travels to see every other weekend. Anytime he is with me and "our" son he is on call, distracted or "needs" time to watch football and golf. If I complain....I am the bitch who doesn't understand anything. By the way I work full time about 60 hours a week with my company and seem to never miss anything for my kid and can do all his bullshit also. You all are strong for staying but I just don't see how it is possible long term to live like this.

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  12. I was so pleased to read that all Doctor's wives are like myself. We have been married for nearly 28 years and yes I went to parents evening, open days, Christmas play, sports days alone... it felt like being a single parent at times. even when Dr at home; it is either he is following up on patients, preparing for meetings or.... or...
    Because of the long hours, it was hard for me to build a career outside the home, I have built one working from home, but was not easy as I do everything that has to do with our family life even when we go on holiday the only thing Dr know is where we are going!
    No one appreciates how demanding it is unless they have lived it, many friends over the years said to me "lucky you, you are married to a Doctor!" .

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    1. Every one of my friends that says "_you're a doc's wife your life is easy clearly doesn't understand this lonlieness. I respect what my husband does but I have nothing but my pets and a dusty Ivy Leaguedegree. My husband is a doc in the UK so I moved 7,500 miles for love. Now I'm homesick and alone while he works his 12+ hour days. Marry a doctor? It takes a special person to be a doctor's spouse.

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    2. This is a reply to all. I love my husband so much, but 40 years of loneliness has been more than difficult. I went back to school and received a Master's degree from a prestigious university (Driving more than an hour each way 6 days a week to so; doing several excavation seasons and tons of research in order to achieve a cherished goal that had been denied me as a young woman.). My family supported me in this. So, one would one think, "yay, she works, has a life and friends and has avoided the ongoing loneliness and "empty nest syndrome". God and the Goddess had something more waiting for me. About the time I was ready to return for my doctorate a chronic illness hit. Some days there is so much pain that I can barely type. I can no longer spend more than 30 minutes in the sun. What a joke for an archaeologist! Reading has become difficult, because I have trouble focusing. Hiring someone to read for research does not work for a variety of reasons. I have this brain trapped after all these years. My advice: if possible, wait for nothing. I cherish my MD husband and Ph.D.children, but sometimes, like now, I feel sorry for myself and want that Ph.D., as well. Thanks for listening. Yes, I have considered alternatives. Physical and logistic issues make the "wonderful ideas and alternative ideas "impossible. I know, there is a world, which I have traveled, that have a life so much more difficult than I. If you can, do it now. If your doctor husband says "impossible", ignore him. Being what you can even for 2 hours a week will help. The loneliness will always be there. Your opportunities may not.

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  13. Good post. Sad, but good. I never really thought about the sacrifices the wife of a doctor must make. Lonliness is hard no matter the reason for it.

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  14. Wow, so nice to know others feel just like me! Like Suha, I have also been married almost 28 years and have done pretty much everything myself for so, so long. I know I am a strong person but it really does suck sometimes! I won't lie, there are times I have said to myself "what am I doing living like this?" And never, ever being able to complain makes things even more lonely :( I remember one time I did just that with a group of friends and someone saying, "Oh you have it so rough!" in a mocking tone, which made others laugh. It made me so very sad. All people see is the money and that's it!
    I really enjoy your blog and your humor. At least I know that there are people who truly understand the medical life.

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  15. There are many professions that leave the spouse carrying the bulk of every day family life. It certainly isn't easy. While my husband is not a doctor he does have a job that requires very odd hours (a-typical of the American 9-5) and works all holidays. Takes some getting use to. Like you, I didn't marry for the paycheck (wouldn't have done me any good. The ex gets it all lol). It time with him I value most!

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  16. Awwww. I think the only thing that can possibly be worse is if he was working in a different country. I've had friends with spouses that got Fulbrights or grants to study in other countries. That's cool and everything until you realize that they're an archeologist or a missionary pilot and are in uncivilized areas with no modern methods of communication. :(

    Glad we can be your connection to society. :)

    abigail

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  17. I think my husband would do okay with the loneliness - just like I do. Because I make myself busy, and I think he would to, with other projects and activities. What's hard for us, is he doesn't understand why I gladly accept extra hours and work and community service projects, which sometimes impinge on the little time we do have to spend together. Being married to a doctor is a difficult thing to balance. /:

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  18. Great post and so very true! I think I handle the lonliness a little better than most because I was an only child and like having my alone time. But it's the away rotations for months at a time that get really hard!

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  19. I love this post and this perspective. Mastering the alone time has started to become an art for me...I can only imagine how you must feel after doing it for so many more years :)

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  20. I am so glad I found your blog today. I am a military doctor's wife, so in addition to the hideous hours, we have deployments. Two deployments, two years away and I've reached the point where it is honestly easier when he is away. I find there are less disappointments when I know I am completely on my own. If I wasn't such a fighter and survivor I would have given up on this marriage....this is what it takes to be a spouse to a doctor.

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  21. Love this article. Sitting here in the afternoon, I happened to google 'being a doctors wife' because it's a lonely day and I wanted to see if its hard for others, too. Love this blog! Did my heart good!

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  22. I feel you on the loneliness. While I do work a lot as a postdoc, my wife is an OB/GYN and works much more. She still has another year of residency but I am hoping she chooses a specialty that is not as demanding on her time.

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  23. Wow! Really have to walk in someone's shoes to understand.

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  24. Ditto. Married to a Surgeon as well. Don't forget about the NO COMMUNICATION throughout the day. Sometimes not even a quick text (most of the time). How some find time for Affairs is beyond me!!! We married in early 30's. Both independent and had the same life goals, family life plans etc. Not happening. Someone or something always has his attention and focus. Not his wife and kids. : ( Feel guilty I brought children into this loneliness.... They know NO different though.

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  25. to lori wow I thought I was the only one who sat up tonight googling 'what it is to be a docs wife' the article is simply beautiful. so true how you say you did not marry for a paycheck. I get that a lot to people saying 'be happy you married a doctor' 'u will have a glamorous wonderful life' they would not get it unless they be one-that is being a docs wife, the loneliness is the worst especially when your newly wedded and 2nd month of ur marriage he has to go for his night calls in dec, which includes our first christmas :(

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  26. I thought I was the only one who barely gets communication throughout the day, not married but am dating a surgeon and have for 6 years. Not sure I want to marry one and live a lonely life, I just want a life partner that can be there for me and any future children. If I knew any better going into this relationship I would have stopped. I think about leaving all the time now because by myself there are no disappointments.

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  27. i am only married for a year and i get used to with the presence of my hubby for the first year of being married and now that he had this new role of he's job .. he got this crazy time schedule of work like from 7am to 9pm at least and now he's gonna do a lot of travels .. its sucks not to have your best friend around .. at least i know i am not alone feeling lonely ..

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  28. I'm sorry, but I don't pity you all. What's not to like about being a doctor's wife? You don't need to worry about living paycheck to paycheck. I guess the only risk is your husband having an affair with someone at work. I'd rather marry a doctor and let him have a mistress on the side if that means not having to worry about money. I envy all you lonely doctor wives. If you don't want your "golden ticket" of the good life, then give me your golden ticket.

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    1. If you like living on someone else's coat times, them by all means. You can even spice it up with a little "desperate housewives lifestyle". Though, not everyone is looking for a free lunch out of a marriage.

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    2. You haven't a clue, golden ticket? I smell troll

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    3. Sorry for the VERY late reply! I'm glad a couple of you doctor wives replied back. No troll here. Just a woman who envies the good life of being a medical doctor's wife. I stand by my original statement. What's NOT to like about being the wife of a medical doctor? I'm a single, financially independent woman. You know what? It's overrated. I'd rather marry a rich doctor and let him have his affair(s) on the side just so long as I don't have to work anymore. I don't pity you at all! You really don't know how great you have it. SMH.

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    4. This is such a misinformed statement. We DO live paycheck to paycheck. The idea of a rich doctor is almost antiquated. There are some left but most people don't even realize the thousands of dollars a year that go into keeping your job such as license renewels (sometimes for several states if your practice in on a border and has more than one site), CME, malpractice and other insurance, hospital privileges (or several if your practice has to cover several surgical sites and facilities in order to stay open), etc. We often wonder how we will pay our bills sometimes. On top of that, we don't have personal time for each other and as a family often. I take offense to your statement about affairs. You insult my husband who is as faithful as they come and does everything he can to spend time with us and to help out. Yet, this life is hard on the whole family. By the way, I have had to get another job to help make ends meet. also, we are not here to ask for pity. We are here looking for the other people who live this life and understand how difficult and, at times, painful this career is with which to live since the majority of people think like you until they see our families in action. I have had several people tell me that now that they know our family all preconceived notions of the "doctor's wife" and the lifestyle of a doctor have completely changed.

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    5. That's the difference - marrying for love vs marrying for a paycheck. If you marry for a paycheck and a lifestyle, you are nothing but a gold digger and therefore won't MIND if your husband has a mistress on the side. On the other hand, marrying for love & friendship & partnership WOULD make you feel lonely. As a Christian one's values won't allow an affair on the lonely spouse' part either - but that probably won't bug you by the sounds of it! All you care about is the paycheck. Why not rather find yourself a rich sugardaddy and leave the docs alone!

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  29. Don't think it's just women married to male physicians who suffer. I have searched for a blog, or some support group for men struggling to figure out how to survive being married to a female physician, especially of an extremely demanding subspecialty. I'm married an interventional cardiologist; and I wish I only knew 5 years ago before she started her fellowship what the heck I was signing up for. And I’m probably going to get a lot of flak for this post because this is a women’s support group, but I’m going to say it anyway. I had a business, 3 engineering degrees, numerous patents, and was working countless hours a week to try and keep a roof over our heads, make sure she was fed, the house was clean, bills were paid, etc. But, when you're married to a doctor, know that doctors don't sacrifice for their marriages. Being a doctor means you sacrifice for others, and your family and spouse sacrifices while standing in the shadows of your career.
    In 5 years, one thing has become certain to me. If you’re a physician of a more demanding subspecialty, you have two choices for marriage. First, you can marry another doctor, and pay someone else to raise your kids because you’ll never have the time to raise them… or second, marry someone who doesn’t mind giving up their identity and aspirations to stay at home… If you marry another non-physician, who also has worked hard to achieve things in their life, all that will happen is that they will grow to resent you when your “doctor career” will ultimately force the “non-doctor” to give up on their identities in the case you plan on having a family or keeping a marriage together. Not everyone wants to live off of someone else’s coattails in life.
    And by no means was I looking for the opposite in life… I was looking for a women who was going to roll up their sleeves 50/50 with me in a marriage, but that’s not the way marriages work when one of the parties involved is a doctor. If only I knew.

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    1. The struggle is real. I tiptoed into my current relationship with a medical student (dating two years, med school is almost over), and one of the first things I brought up when he was pursuing me (and he pursued me HARD) was that I would not be the kind of person that would date a doctor. I tried telling him that I know myself enough that I would not be happy in this kind of relationship. He totally blew me off and said "blah blah blah" and it was so early in our relationship that I was taken aback and didn't push the issue then and there.

      I loved being single, and I love dating him now, but demanding rotations are giving me an idea of what his surgical residency will be like (except that I know it will be x 1000). I have spent hours and hours and hours on blogs like these, trying to understand if it will be worth it-- worth the very real possibility of losing my identity, of boxing myself in career-wise, of never being in control of where I live, of a thousand lonely nights.

      Sometimes I wonder if it's "Better to end it now and cut off the limb and let the stump heal". I fear the idea of growing to resent him.

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    2. Your comment is SO spot on in my experience. I am a lawyer married to a surgical oncologist. We had our first child about a year into the relationship. Until then I didn't have much of a problem with his lifestyle because I still had my freedom and could focus as much as I wanted on a career.

      After our child was born, I can say that my resentment of my husband started to grow and overshadow the respect I have for what he does. All I can think about is the fact that his schedule means that I will have to be the one to shoulder all the parenting and household responsibilities. Because I believe in parents/family being the primary caregivers and am not okay with having my children raised by nannies/daycare, I know that the only option is for me to put my career on the back burner. I am constantly wondering if/when I will be able to get back into the career I was working so hard to establish and how that will work at different stages in my kids' lives - who will be there to pick them up after school, do homework, be there on summer vacation, etc.? Certainly not my husband. He is not willing to cut back on hours or ever get off of his career track. Additionally we have no family nearby for me to rely on for help or just to combat loneliness. When you said that the doctor spouse sacrifices for their patients and their family sacrifices for the doctor's career, it really described my situation. And I resent being viewed as just the wife of a doctor rather than my own person with her own accomplishments and aspirations.

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    3. Wow i am in the exact same position. He just started studying for the boards. I don't know what to do.

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    4. Wow i am dating a dr and love him so much but i wonder if love is enough.do you regret marrying her? I know you love her but is it worth it?

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  30. Anonymous, you are right. It's not a gender issue or money issue. I think that Doctors have to be selfish to a degree. They are at the service of others at the expense of their family. My husband is on call today, gone the entire weekend. He is dealing with the aftermath of a failed suicide while I spend my time trying to keep busy at home. There is no way I can compete with a suicide!!! A more unfortunate soul needs him right now as much as I need him. My loneliness is something that I try to manage with an antidepresants and cognitive therapy. Will things get better? I hope so; otherwise I will have spent the best years of my life putting him thru grad school and med school.

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  31. Fuck all you bitches

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  32. Wow, every word resonates. Even though we don't have kids I know the feeling of spending my Mrs Doctor life alone. Seems some lonely trolls out there too based on above commentor.

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  33. Same boat, if we have plans, he usually ends up.having to fill a shift. Seems he's always on call or on a totally different schedule than I. Money is not everything although the ex certainly has her share. My mom always said the more you have, the more it owns you, so true.

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  34. I feel your pain people! I was having a conversation with my mom about this recently and she was talking about how great it is that my fiancé is a doctor. "Hold on there!" I said, "do you realize that I'm going to be taking care of, like, everything in our life?? All the shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, social planning, trips, any children that we may have and work full time too??"
    My biggest gripe is not the loneliness, it's the burden of having everything put on your shoulders- and don't expect sympathy or understanding from anyone, even your husband! Me doing everything around the house, running all errands, and working full time doesn't compete with the high stakes work he does and he doesn't understand how hard I am working also because of his job.
    My mom was a single mother with a lower than average income working full time so she understood that aspect. "But at least you'll have money to do things!"she said.
    I'm not marrying to be a single, working mom with money. It is a tradeoff at best.

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  35. Mr. Anonymous,

    You are definitely one of the the club! It is only a few marriages I have seen make it where the female is the physician in the couples we have known in my husband's thirteen year career.

    The only thing I would add/change is that these hours are not by any means limited to the specialities and subspecialties. My husband did his residency in family medicine before work hour restrictions and pulled 120 hour work weeks just like the surgeons. As teaching staff, he still works more hours than the residents on average and pulls call about twice a week.

    I am coming to the belief that the quality individuals in medicine are the self (and family) sacrificing ones, truly dedicated to their profession. I still find it an endearing quality in my spouse, though I miss him sorely.

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  36. M so happy that I found this blog.. M a german language trainer and work hard for a living...ever since I moved into a livein relation with my boyfriend whos a doctor..Im very lonely and always feel m just not working hard. He studies all day and night...and he hardly has time for me even though he loves me a lot. I live in my own world and my own circle.

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  37. I am the fiancé of a neurosurgeon in South Africa...we are more mature than most here ....both in our early 50's...and this is his 3rd and my second marriage....I didn't expect to fall in love with him....have battled 3 1/2 years of being a weekend girlfriend as he is too busy during the week to see me...he has not wanted us to live together as he feels he can not give me attention during the week as he is always working or reading up on something...so I have been very lonely but thought living together when we are married will help things a lot....now I read this blog and I wonder if I really understand what I am in for....I am Australian by birth and have lived here for 20 odd years so have no family here other than my 17 year old son and the many wonderful friends I call family....I am very extroverted, work full time and have a side business and can keep myself busy every day....but I want someone to travel life with me...not someone I will pass in the night.......are there any more mature ladies here who can give me insite into how they have managed? I would rather know now it will not work ....do they slow down as they get older? Does anyone find they are a bit unemotional? Demanding? Even selfish at times?

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  38. i just got married to a doctor, and oh my god, i feel lonelier now that i have ever been before. I married for companionship but now all I do is wait for him to stop working, to come home, to call me back, to have time, which is hardly ever. Its really much harder than what I thought.

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  39. It is not the loneliness that bothers me as much as playing second fiddle to patients 24/7.
    My husband started a solo practice and the last few years have been very difficult on our marriage- financially as well as personally.
    Intimacy is pretty much gone. Communication is at an all time low and stress is at an all time high.
    Not sure how much longer I can go on, like this...

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  40. As the physician, I found this blog searching for ways to make my spouse feel more important. I have missed anniversary dinners, birthday parties l, Christmas mornings as well as day to day. I have heard for ten years that my spouse is "second fiddle." Just because a patient has an emergency, does not mean my spouse is not important. What can I (or your spouse) do to make my spouse feel more important besides not being a physician? My spouse really is the most important and I would be nothing without them. Thx

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    1. Be romantic. Make them feel special. Make them feel PURSUED. Buy them a bus ticket with a note and an address. Order flowers and arrange to have a friend or family member in the area place the flowers for them there. Send them to beautiful places and request photos of specific statues. Plan a day for them. "If we were together today, first we would go to this coffee shop..." It's easy to call and organize, write notes/letters and find places on yelp or google maps during down time in the cold room. If you are not creative just copy love poems from famous romantics. Make arrangements to send her to your cousins town and let your cousin know she will be visiting. Do FaceTime with her when she gets there to drink tea. Mark an envelope to be opened at different times throughout the day. It is so frustrating emotionally and physically to be your faithful wife. We long to have a connection that you don't have time for. You think we will enjoy how hard you worked because we will have the retirement account if/when you die. There is no point to have that money if we cannot appreciate it from/with you while you are still alive. We will not enjoy that huge vacation if it has been a war zone every time you get home. Stop trying to make up for all the little things you miss with big short-term things. Start doing little things even when you are not there.

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  41. Tears in my eyes after reading this. It resonates. I think our entire family feels the loneliness including himself. I have two babies, 3 months and 3 years old and I believe they probably think my dr husband is an uncle or a distance relative bc their daddy was away for fellowship for over a yr and now away bc of his job. kids can only see my dr husband every weekend. Even more lonely for myself as I have no one to complain this situation to. Everyone seems to think that I'm lucky to marry a doctor..but only drs wives would understand what and how we feel about it. Thank you for having this blog.

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  42. It is almost impossible for me to hold my tears back. being a doctors wife it is so hard, specially when there is kids involved, you have to be the dad and the mom. It hurts me the most when my kids ask me why they haven't see daddy in days. It is so hard, so sad and so lonely.

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  43. I am a lawyers wife. Though our husband's are different we are very similar. I'm so lonely. I've told people money doesn't buy love. I'd gladly give it all up to have him and feel wanted. Yet people look at me like I'm crazy. We have plenty. I'd have plenty if we divorced. But I love him. I want him. This sucks.

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  44. Thank you thank you for writing this blog. I google searched for support with tears running down my face. I have a small child home full time with me, millions of miles away from any family. I really felt overwhelmed with the loneliness and no support. I just feel relieved that I'm not the only one feeling like this. I wish there was a mother's support network for us all to join and meet up!

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  45. And even when they are home with you....they aren't. 5 minutes at the end of their exhausting day is a gift. Expectations of time together is a mirage. Lonely is an everyday thing. 28 years of it makes you old.

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    1. Hi! I have just found this blog recently that makes me know that I am not alone. But I am very lonely indeed, I have married to a doctor for 5 years, he has been struggling with his career change for years with achieving different fellowships and residency in different countries. i have been losing job opportunities and living without friends, families around for these years. We often have issues because of his relocation every year. He would not appreciate my sacrifice of course, because they are often very self-center mind. There is no way out, either I need to continue to sacrifice myself or get out of this relationship. It is hard for the others to understand my situation, people must just think that you don't need to worry about anything, but this is not the case. (I am not sure if this post can be gone through, if it does, please reply me.)

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  46. I will be marrying my doctor boyfriend soon, and I have to say, I have never been more lonely. While I do get to accompany him to various dinners and parties, we hardly ever have time together just us, and when we do, he just wants to relax over dinner and decompress. No time ever feels like the right time to even bring up/discuss important life issues for fear that I will stress him out even more. We have been together for around three years and I feel like now more than ever he expects me to just do things his way and not have an opinion. He too goes to the vacation house a lot to take care of the property and the boat on most weekends he is not on call, and it has been something I have been made to accept. I feel like now more than ever, I am expected to just not have an opinion about anything or even a say in how we spend our time together. If I even mention wanting to talk just about normal life things, I am told not to tilt the balance between problems and fun. He has spent years building his practice and is a busy, highly successful pediatric surgeon who is compassionate and respected by everybody, but I think by nature, it is hard for him to be empathetic or to relate to more personal issues. I think he tries to listen but doesn't know how. I also think he is not used to anyone telling him "no" or going against his opinion. Everything we do when we are together seems to be pre-planned and must be executed just so, right down to unexpectedly turning off the lights at 10:30 pm (for example) without so much as a warning, because he has "a very important case first thing in the morning followed by a busy clinic." He actually is very thoughtful towards me; always opens the door, carries my bags, wants to help with anything he can, orders my family presents on their birthdays, reminds me to call my mom and dad, sends me texts even on his busiest days letting me know he loves me - but some days I feel like I'm expected to just be a stepford wife who rolls over and puts their opinions/thoughts aside. And I can relate to the walking on eggshells feeling when they are home. It's almost like I feel as though I have to watch what I say at all times especially when he has residents calling him for various things, might be on call that night, and has to be at the OR by 5:30 the next morning. When I myself was interning in my profession, the girl I interned with had married her boyfriend (who is also a specialist) earlier that year. I overheard her once saying, "being married to a doctor isn't what you think it is" and this is what I think she was referring to. I love him more than anything, but lately, the lack of real time together and the stress of his work impacting how I am made to feel like I'm on eggshells when we do get together almost seems like to much to bear. How will this all be once we have children?? Things I have and continue to think about.

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  47. Hi all! I have been married with a doc for 4 years, we have been moving every year due to his fellowship, residency and so on, i have been losing job opportinities and living with no families,friends around due to his career. Our communication is almost gone to none, he needs a lot a lot of alone time to achieve his career while i am really worried that how much longer i can live like this!!! Now, he has just started a new training in a new country and i am so lonely here.

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  49. This broke my heart. As a married (female) resident, I wanted to offer you the other side of this...
    Your husbands love you, and miss you. One of the worst feelings in the world is leaving at 6am for a 24+hr shift, and knowing I am about to miss yet another important event of my husband's.
    I have no control over my schedule (I'm sure you all remember those days), and it kills me to know that he has moved thousands of kilometers away from our home town with me so that I can do this residency. And what is even worse, is to think of him alone in our house Christmas Day while I work a 24 hr in-house call shift. Our first Christmas married...
    I want you all to know that you are loved and appreciated. Your husbands love you, and love that you are able to do what they cannot. My husband's simply daily things, like grocery shopping, cooking, waking up with me to make coffee in the morning-are far from unnoticed. They are an essential part of my existence... The part that among all the heartbreak and death and pain of my patients, makes me feel like a human being, worthy of having my own life.
    Medicine is not an easy lifestyle for anyone, and sometimes the only thing that gets me through is knowing that at the end of the day (or two), I get to come home to my loving husband. And for your husbands, you are that person. You matter, they love you, so please don't ever feel alone-your husbands hearts are right there with you.

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    1. And yet when retirement comes up in the conversation, its a definite "not while I have the skills "- 75 maybe? That's another 15 for me. 30 down. I can't complain about the first 24yrs. But DON'T become in need of care as a spouse!

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  50. i honestly can say that i admire you guys seriously, and this is the question i ask myself evryday im a 23 year old woman i have been inlove with my future doctor and wife (yes im gay), we love and like each other since 8 years ago and we have been truly commited right now i used to live very far and i mean in the other side of the world, now i came to be closer to her because we both decided and well this year she finally decided two enter medicine, she has been thinkin bout this decision since 2years ago and i got already paranoid, anyways i supported her, and told her go for it, now she is the one that lives far away from me but now its not a 2 days trip on airplains and airports now its only a trip of 3 hours by car and well because of her schedule theres some weeknds we cant even see each other because she is studying. We are trying to work together to live together in 3 years but since we are homosexuals and in an arabic country its kinda hard to try to live here so we have to wait for her to graduate to get out of here. Now those are not the problems in my head anymore, whats in my head is how arewe goin to deal with this, ive told her sometimes u wont have anytime for me nor for your kids if we decide to have kids you wont be at the holidays nothing like that and she is always tryin to see everything positive and tells me dont worry ill schedule myself, and im like baby you will not be able to schedule urself your life would be in a hospital. I am scared of passing through all this you guys have passed before i even got to this blog i've thought bout it a lot. Honestly i love my baby future doctor honestly i would never leave her, but im scared of not knowing how to deal with all situations and emotions by myself, and this have already began, that means evrytime is going to be worse and ill got to be more strong. Please girls advice me because this is already really overwhelming.

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  51. I have to say that reading this is exactly what I needed today. I have been dating a neuro surgeon that has his own practice for a few months now.The first few months were wonderful we saw each other every few weeks, we live about 200 miles from each other. It has been a couple of months since I have seen him or even really talked to him. I have been doubting if this relationship is going to work because I hardly ever talk to him so my first reaction is okay who else is he seeing??? When we are together it is amazing he obviously has work that he takes care of when I am there but for the most part he tries his best to leave work at the office.

    I get sweet texts some morning when he is on his way to the office and that's all it takes the rest of my day is amazing. Its the days when I don't get a text that I worry... and not just that he is seeing someone else but in general worry about his safety. I feel terrible now for ever doubting him. I haven't ever felt this way about anyone and yea that is a little unnerving in by itself but then add the not texting for several days and not seeing him that often and you cant help but wonder...

    A few of my friends have flat out stopped talking to me because of him. I would come back from one of our weekends together and they would ask how it was and I would talk about how amazing it was and what all we did. I actually had one of my friends say to me, " why are you worried about what he is doing when you aren't there he spends hundreds of dollars on you when you are there who cares that he hasn't texted you". It isn't money that he is just throwing around on useless things, its for dinner movies normal date stuff that people do over a course of a month and we cram into one weekend. The weekends that we spend together are non stop we are always doing something or going to see friends... we will get home around 3 in the morning and we are up and out of the house by at least 10am.

    People in general don't understand how much money it actually takes to just be a doctor. Funny thing is he told me when we met that he was ready to stop focusing so much on work and start focusing more on his life. I know this post is kind of all over the place but I had to get it out... I Here's to hoping that this coming weekend he isn't on call, doesn't have to fill in, doesn't have a million charts to finish, and doesn't have any crazy medical emergencies!!!

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  52. I am so glad I found this blog! Everything about the loneliness and bourdon of raising the kids solo resonates. My kids are now 14, 12 and 12. When they were younger it was so hard to be alone and take care of them. He could come home from trips and I was too worn out to fake the good cheer. Now it's easier, as they are older, and he's making more time for them. But now it also comes out that he resents my past negativity and lack of appreciation for his hard work I didn't want to talk about my issues with him because, as many of you have said, my little problems couldn't compete with what he was dealing with at work. Just can't win.

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  53. I ran across your post out of desperation. See, I am a SAHM and my husband has just gotten accepted into a 4 year pediatrics residency program this year. I am so beyond afraid of what lies ahead in terms of residency; the loneliness, missing out on years of family experiences together, raising two kids by myself (we have a 1.5 year old and wanted to get pregnant again very soon).
    My husband had quite a late start in his career; he will be almost 40 by the time he starts residency so I feel we are already way behind in that sense, but also he has had a very hard time getting into residency as he went to med school outside the US. It has already taken him (us) 3 years since he got out of school and finally just matched this year. The first year is mostly research with regular hours followed by those daunting 3 years. So I feel like we have to wait yet another year just for the daunting part of it to start. I feel like this pressure of finding a residency has already taken a toll in our relationship and somewhat "controlled" us for so long that I am already so tired of it.
    I know after residency he would choose a flexible job which would allow for the most family time. But it is the path we have to go through to get to that point that really scares me. I am afraid of what these years ahead could mean to our family; make it or break it.
    Well, the thing is he knows exactly how I feel and he has offered to give it all up. To not do residency and leave medicine behind. To find another job, a more family oriented one, move to another more financially friendly state (we are in California) and have a fresh start. Part of me wants to say Yes!!! I feel a sense of freedom would come with it, but I am also afraid of what this could mean for us in the long run. He would be leaving his career, something he has worked so hard for and his passion for his family. He is a great man and I know he will always put his family first but this is such a hard decision. I know in terms of so many things as well as financial stability choosing another path is very uncertain, we would also have the student loans we would have to pay back. And on the other hand the thought of having to go through these residency years ahead haunts me.
    I know many of you understand how Im feeling and a lot of you have been there for many years already.
    So I want to know, if you woud have been given the option to take a totally different path and have a fresh start, would you have taken it?? We need to come to a decision pretty soon and I really need some insight

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    1. I would never ever choose a different path. It is hard! But I love him so much. Sometimes it's easy to forget all the wonderful times we had together before he got into med school. It's easy to forget why I chose to be with him in the first place. The thing is he NEEDS me, and our kids need him. Even if they don't see him that often they know, and I know that he Ioves us so much. He needs a house that he can call home and a family that loves him. I would never give up on him because he got nobody else. I have days when I feel like I don't want to do this anymore, but then I go through old pictures and letters and to remind myself that we had it figured out once, and we can figure it out again. I won't break his heart not after all the faith he has in me.

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  54. Hi ladies. I have been married to my doctor husband for 36 years. I can honestly say it has been the worst decision of my life. I have spent my life alone waiting for things to get better. After med school, after residency, after setting up a practice. But now he is a senior doc and is called on for all the difficult stuff and can't or won't say no. And now he is in his 60s. Guess what? He is living with the health effects from working upwards of 120 hrs a week. Can I leave him now? Of course not. My kids have run as far away from medicine as possible in terms of a career and my daughter only dates people who have balance in their lives. I do know other doctors who have more balance but take a cold hard look at what your life will be like if your man is married to medicine. You love a medical guy? My advice would be to date him when he has free time.

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    1. Ma'am I really do thank you for being very blunt and quite honest in your writing about your life.
      I"am a man married to a female doctor with two daughters (one is five years of age the other two and a half).
      I will, and have said before that is is one of the worst decisions to marry a doctor also. What gets me super angry is when people close and around me give me sh&t for saying so. Just ridiculous, what do they know!?

      Very wise words when tell others to take a very cold hard look at there life. I was to late in that.
      l do NOT wish my two daughters to be married to doctors in their future lives, I REALY don't......

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    2. Couldn't agree more. My two daughters have each chosen a man who is emotionally and physically available, thank goodness.

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  55. This blog has been so helpful. I'm 22 and I have been dating a med student for 3 years. He's lovely! But we only really get time together in the summer. I was sure I was just over sensitive until I read your posts! I feel unwanted most of the time but I know he tries to make time. We are young. I'm always torn between wanting to spend time together doing loads of fun things and giving him space to pursue his dream. I don't want to stress him! I've already approached him like a million times to ask why he has been distant with me but now I'm realising it's his work load but he doesn't want to admit it's a lot for him. He will always downplay it! Im not sure whether he isn't ready for it to get any more serious than it is or that he cannot juggle my needs and his duties. Should I just end it if the loneliness bothers me already? I see a future with him but I'm not sure whether I can handle it

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  56. We just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary...been together 14 years. We have 5 children and like so many I feel alone most days. While we have a good marriage but he has no idea how lonely I am for my him. We Finally spent a week alone together for our anniversary and it was glorious! I am clinging to it because we are back to the same old thing...working late most days and call blah blah blah. I must admit this last couple of years has been hard on me. The kids are so involved and I am busy with them but I long for my husband to work less. These insane hours are wearing on me and I fear what has happened to so many I know will start to happen to us. The first week home he is already covering someone elses cases...while its nice he is doing that we have had no coverage when we need it. I struggle with where to draw the line...his job comes before me so often and I can never count on him being home that when he does favors for others and covers I take it very personal. Again we have never had coverage when we needed it. Now I try to put myself in his shoes and he has always had a problem standing firm in any decision so its hard for him to say no. He feels obligated so often and wants to be a nice guy I don't think he even realizes how he hurts me when he so often chooses work. I have no support in this and so many of the DW have just accepted this life...I just cant ,I want more...more time with my husband. There are so many days I wish I had a normal life and he had a normal job. I am sooooo proud of him but his career has broken me in a way I don't know if I can piece back together. I have so often heard wow you married a doctor...wow the money ....wow the fancy life...well I have grown to hate it. The truth is I will always come second to his job and he will never know how lonely I am for him to put me first. He of course had to check his emails while we were on vacation...he never used to but he is changing. Maybe I have to accept it...maybe I need to be like so many others. Maybe that's why so many I know live separate lives...just to survive.

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    1. I feel each of your words. I also know that my husband's job as a Surgeon is before us (my kids and I).
      I have no family nearby as I am from a different country. I've been feeling like a single mother for many years. He doesn't even think he works that much even though he sleeps 5 hours a night (when he sleeps at all!) I don't care about the money, I have suggested him to downsize if needed for him to work less. All he says is that it wouldn't change the amount of time that he works. He is also very nice to his coworkers/partners, He would take an extra surgery or extra call night if needed to help someone at work.
      I have been understanding of the demands of his career for many years, but I have come to realized that I'm not happy living this way. I want him to commit more to his family and himself. Sometimes I think he is the man who shouldn't have had a family but just a career (too late for that now though)

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  57. Aww God bless all u patient strong wives. i have a huge crush on a doctor and im strongly thinking abt becoming more than just friends so thanks ladies for the heads up and tips

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  58. Please think that there is something worse: being a doctor, a wife of a doctor, a mother and the only daughter of a disabled mother. Sometimes I feel the worst wife, mother and daughter. Some other times I feel alone in my marriage. Sometimes I complain to my kids and to my husband. Sometimes I feel burned out, but I have to carry on. I love my job very much and it has give me many joys, but stimultaneus many hours apart from my children, my husband and my mother when there is a need. Sometimes I think I'II get crazy or dipressed.Some other times I admire myself and ask God for help.

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  59. This post and the comments are an eye opener. Better to now what you're going into in a relationship with a doctor or would-be-doctor.

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  60. I'm really glad I found this post today! Thanks for sharing!

    21 lonely years later, as the spouse of a world renowned Pediatric Neurologist, I'm lonely all the time....we've moved many times....making me more lonely and disconnected.....I'm raising great kids alone.....I'm alone at all those same events.....money and academic and clinical and research fame don't create family time. They steal it. It's been a huge personal sacrifice to support my husband all these years. And yet I have such profound respect for his role in our community. In his field he sees some of the worst cases, this week alone: a sweet little 6 yo boy beaten to death by the father...they tried to save him, but couldn't....another psycho-social Munchausen cases.....Google know-it-all moms demanding medical marijuana and threatening to sue the province for not having access to pot to treat epilepsy....no one outside of medicine understands the constant demands of an academic physician.....so thanks for having a place to vent :)

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  61. Okay, here is one for you... A married male neurologist is married to a pediatric physician. Their marriage falls apart because they are both working way too many hours, and they lose their way in life. They have money for nannies, trips, vacation homes, their children go to the finest colleges, etc., but now the husband decides to have multiple affairs. Husband has affair with me, after telling me that he and his wife have grown apart, and we were together for five years. Wife finds out, affair continues, but now he is the perfect husband, and she is the perfect wife.

    Am I a homewrecker? Nope. Fell in love with his passion for his love for neurology. Did he ever buy me anything other than a coffee or a dinner? Nope. He was lonely, as was she. Except his wife was and still is a witch. Why am I still with him? I ask myself that every day. He is controlled by his pediatric physician wife, trying to help others with their illness, and still is with me. Oh, boo hoo to me you say.... Damn straight. When you are made a promise and fall in love with a man who has a broken marriage, you begin to believe that one day you will be with him.

    People should marry for love, not money. Married men should not reach out to vulnerable women who buy their story of being lonely bc they are married to a woman who should have been a librarian. Bottom line. Don't fall in love with a married man. Don't fall in love with a doctor.

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  62. Hello to everyone in this thread. I know we don't know each other, but it seems like we all share a commonality that connects us all very deeply.

    I, too, am the wife of a doctor (dermatology resident). We have been together for over ten years, but only married for 6 months. I've done the pre-med, med school, residency, etc. my big issue now though is these conferences all over the place. 4 nights or so at a clip and traveling with only women (his entire program is women). What do you guys do about this-- do you go with your spouse? Stay at home? Worry? Not worry?

    Thank you so much.

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  63. I just found this blog. I completely understand . Last year i met a wonderful neurosurgeon and within 6 months he told me he was in love with me. No lie he was one of the kindest human beings I've met , but I was afraid of getting deeper into the relationship, so I ended it. He was devastated , called me every night crying telling me to please go back . The thing is I didn't want to marry someone who I'd never see or spend time with. I also felt like I could never be a good wife . Now after reading this blog I feel like I made the right choice. I still cry every night for him , because I love him , probably always will. He still writes to me telling me that until his last breath he will love me. The thing is I know il always be alone and we'll he's a little older than I am. Dating a dr is hard .

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  64. Its so good to be a part of this blog.While reading the article I could actually picturize my near future.I am in relationship with my fiance for almost a year.He is an Anesthesiologist .No lie he is so very loving and caring understands me feeling,but I must say loving and dating a doctor is really hard.For our differences in work field(I am from non medical background) we stay in different cities and hardly get to spend quality time together.Its always for his prior commitment that we always end up cancelling our plan of being together.Its always been I who is being tested for patience,loyalty and trusting and trying to adjust with his unpredictable time schedule.Next year we are getting married but I already see a tough life ahead of me .I love his way of loving me,his compassion towards our relationship,his loyalty ,reason for mine marrying him(not for his paycheck) but I guess I also need a companion,a life partner,someone who will be beside me when ill be needing him the most.I really don't know how will I cope up with every matter without him by my side in this new road ahead of me.

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  65. After being in relationship with him for 3 years, he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the other ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, lotto, his email is DRAISEDIONSPELLCASTER@OUTLOOK.COM you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other problem like wining lottery.

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  66. Absolutely! We have been married 2 decades in a new city away from family and friends and I am this close (pinches fingers) to starting a local Facebook Club for people like us. What do they all do from 8am-2? I am running errands related to school or the volunteer work I do or just plain running this house... I would love to meet up at the gym ladies! - Love from Southern Cali

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    1. Hi! Have you created your Facebook Club yet? Would love to join! What part of SoCal are you in?

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  67. The point missed in this article is that many doctors also have narcissistic personality traits. After dating a doctor for 5 years and finally realizing that what I'm dealing with is an excessive need for being put on a pedestal and adulation by mainly female colleagues of lower professional rank (nurses) I decided to move on. I have my own profession and my own interests, and was definitely not pursuing a doctor for intimate partnership, but I quickly realized that my environment started seeing me as only girlfriend of Dr. So and So. Personally, I like to have my own identity and not be defined by my attachment to Dr. Charming. That's just too high a price to pay.

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  68. Made me feel ok to read this... I'm not alone..thank you.

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  69. Thank you for writing. It really helped to make me feel better. Having to be on your own on holidays is really difficult, and no one understands that "isn't your husband here?" Isn't an appropriate response.

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  70. Thank you for this! It has been very therapeutic to read about other people's experiences. I have been dating a surgeon and we are thinking about marriage. Indeed, it is the loneliness and the lack of time to have intimacy or feel connected with one another that scares me for our future. And the thought of being a 'single mom' if we have kids. Am still very hopeful and in love.

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  71. My boyfriend is just going into his third year of med school. We've only been dating for a short time . . .but were just meant for each other, we fit like two puzzle pieces - you know that one person for life. Anyway, we've discussed marriage already. His goal/dream is to be the best cardio-thoracic surgeon there is . .he never settles, his goals are always high. One night he mentioned to me that we could just stay in hotels and travel the world while he did surgeries. I'm no doctor so what am I supposed to do twiddle my thumbs in our room while he gets back? Go miserably explore a foreign country by myself wishing my husband was with me? My dream in life as cliche as it sounds is to be happy, and to raise a family - be one of those home mums who goes to school meetings, and award nights, and bakes cakes for their kids school fares. I want to do that though with my husband involved, not be married and be like a single mum. And as much as I love my boyfriend with my whole heart, I can see now that sadly maybe I might have to reconsider a life married to him.

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  72. My fiancée is 41 and I'm 25 with a child from a previous relationship. I am absolutely 100% crazy about this man and I think that love is starting to bite me in the ass. We met when I was 19 and have been together only the past 4 years but the love has never died. Like many of you ladies I also feel like I'm getting the scraps of his time. I do my best to keep busy during the day, school, cleaning, organizing, going to the gym and my daughter. I have plenty to do but I do it alone. When he comes home he's so exhausted and just wants to veg out and this leaves me alone again. On weekends he likes to go out and get away from medicine (usually at a bar) and although I'm with him I'm not with the real true version of him. I try to be understanding but I find myself getting so angry. Being the first in his family to make it, he now supports the lives of those who didn't. That list is comprised of his parents including his dad's affair which led to a son, his aunts and cousins (in Europe) his sister and her husband who are handicapped and whoever comes his way asking for a handout. It's very noble but still demanding. When he doesn't have his patience he has his family who seem more and more to have self inflicted issues (they gamble, drink and smoke which lead to health issues and bills). We are very blessed. My fiancée is one of the busiest surgeons in our state, but he has so much stress and the demands his family has handed him is making it impossible for us to add on to our family. We are only engaged and as much as I love him, I can't handle the pain of watching my goals and dreams wash away to be at his disposal.

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  73. Glad I found this post. I have been married for 15 years to a amazing doctor and have two lovely/ active boys. I am becoming more lonely now than before.. Every school events, social gathering, especially weekend calls is making me sad. I don't mind long hour days but not having a companion during weekends. Calls during thanks giving and Christmas makes me really upset. It should be our time with boys. Somehow snow days when everyone else is off, I feel like my husband is the only one working( I know there are many) but it is very hard. I don't want to sound like I hate what he does but it's really difficult to be flex parents every time. Most of all it's lonely!

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  74. This makes me so sad. I am engaged to marry a surgeon next fall. These past few weeks have made me very depressed. I miss him so much. I can deal with the hours its when he comes home and is so burnt out it kills me. On his days off he sleeps all day long. All i want to do it cry reading all of these posts.
    I love him more than life, He says the hours will get better after residency...... I really hope so.

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  75. I don't know how to manage the resentment. I knew intern year would be brutal and I hoped residency would be a little better, and it was. Fellowship was worse and now that my doc has been an attending for 2 years, it is worse than it has ever been. Yes, worse than intern year. 80 hrs a week minimum and he works through vacations. There are no more "GOLDEN WEEKENDS." Sorry ladies, I feel the need to manage expectations. It doesn't get better. They took an oath and it is who they are. I've started to get annoyed when close friends approach him for medical guidance. As much as I want to share his brilliance and compassion with the world, I know that once he makes that connection with someone's sick parent, it is easily 3-5 hrs less of our family time, and he won't even be treating them. I'm so sick of waiting around every night and weekend to see if he will have a minute for me. He's a devoted father and every ounce of free time goes to his kids. I often feel it's harder than being a single mom because the false hope is just torture. And frankly, you feel like such a loser.

    I've tried creating my own activities and pursuing interests but it still feels weird. And everyone always asks why you are out and about alone. I've realized that we are both pretty social people and he thrives on all the action at the hospital. It hasn't been easy for me to create a regular social life that involves me missing a husband. I'm not going to hit the town with single ladies and couples find it awkward just inviting you over. I'm worried this nightmare journey has destroyed my sense of self and confidence. I have always worked full-time and no employers ever give you any lenience. I had a single mom friend who only had her kids every other week and she was treated with kid gloves.

    What about car inspections/oil changes, taxes, any financial planning decisions, medical issues? All taken care of by us, the Dr. Spouse. I'm approaching my 40th birthday and realizing, if anything happens, I will have to plan it myself.

    This isn't what I expected. I'd love to hear from more veterans about how to make this work in the long run. I worry it will only be worse when the kids grow older.

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    1. I had thought after so many years I would find a way to deal with the resentment. We have been married 16 years and we got married during the week off in between his first and second year of medical school. He did 5 years of residency and a one year fellowship and has been in practice for nearly 7 years.

      My youngest starts Kindergarten next fall. I do feel some of the pressure lifting off me in that I can start doing things for myself. It will be nice to have time to do things for myself. A lot of advice I get from others is that you need to build up hobbies and activities of your own so that I am not just waiting for him to give attention and have time for me. The thing I worry about is the reason that we are together is that I don't want to build my own life. I got married so that we could build a life together. I can see why people get a divorce when their kids get older. I will have time to build a life with friends and activities and travel of which he will be a minor part. I don't want that to happen. But my choice seems to be build a life so I am not lonely all the time or stay at home waiting for him to have time for me. Most of my female friends work and their husbands don't work weekends so it is hard to have people to hang with.

      So far I have found it is a day to day thing. Just trying to make it through the day. Just trying to make it through the week. Just trying to make it through the 3 week stretch of 12-18 hour days of him at work....

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    2. Ok so I'm engaged to a doctor to be and let me tell y'all something, you might judge me or whatever but when things get hard I go out with my single friends and bring home all the numbers I received to show him, - he then has to choose between me or his case.. he chooses me cause he knows I will leave him. I'm not going to live my life in regret I know it sounds terrible but you gotta do what you gotta do. My father told him it's never too late to leave whether we are married with kids or just engaged. We'll see how long till last... I have my business degree and work in a male Dominated environment so I have choices. Ladies take a stance.

      Delete
  76. Hi, I am not a doctor's wife. I am a career military man's wife. The submariner's wives are in a similar situation. We are alone for many months at a time. When DH comes in he is still gone more than half the time. We are lonely. You gals have my sympathy.

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  77. Surgical intern year is much harder than I expected. He is in his mid-thirties and is starting later than most residents. I run a local nonprofit and had a demanding job, but it can never be as difficult or challenging as his job. I knew I was going to be alone much of the time and for the most part I can handle it. I am getting increasingly more resentful of the times I think he can choose us instead of residency. It's the extra socializing, hanging out with residents, stopping by the hospital to visit his best friend. I always feel like I am last. We are talking about kids and I know it will all fall to me. I don't know if I can do it or if I want to.

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  78. It might be helpful to read up on "secondary source of narcissistic supply" and  PSYCHOLOGIST’S THEORY OF NARCISSISM IN PHYSICIAN-CENTRED MEDICINE. Don't fool yourself. It will only get worse.

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  79. I feel you. My mother now uses her time in saving stray dogs and helping the poor while my father is away which is everyday.

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  80. The common theme here form the complaining spouses is that few of them seem to have their own lives! Have been MD in good relationship for 25 years with kids etc but key is that my wife has her own life and works as hard as I do at her own career and isn't caught up in my world. Its fascinating that in 2016 so many women are defining themselves by their MD husbands like we are in 1950s season from Mad Men. I feel sorry for you, not because your husbands are working so hard but because you gave up your own lives. Pretty alarming how unsophisticated so many presumably well-educated people's expectations are of marriage.

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  81. The common theme here form the complaining spouses is that few of them seem to have their own lives! Have been MD in good relationship for 25 years with kids etc but key is that my wife has her own life and works as hard as I do at her own career and isn't caught up in my world. Its fascinating that in 2016 so many women are defining themselves by their MD husbands like we are in 1950s season from Mad Men. I feel sorry for you, not because your husbands are working so hard but because you gave up your own lives. Pretty alarming how unsophisticated so many presumably well-educated people's expectations are of marriage.

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  82. I'm so comforted by this thread. I have been dating/living with a cardiologist for the past year and a half - I'm a paramedic and own a fitness business. I get a lot of satisfaction out of being a paramedic and my business is a long time dream. I'm trying to maintain my own professional goals (which he is very supportive of) but I'm quickly realising that in order for us to have some quality time together, something has got to give...and it's not going to be his job that's for sure. Currently he abroad at yet another conference. I'm sitting here after a 13-15 hour night shift, still having to wash and fold his shirts for his return, clean the house, keep the pantry stocked up as well as support my business, feeling quite resentful of the fact that he's being wined and dined by the upper class at fancy restaurants. Deep down I know he could pass on that stuff, but never the less it seems like a necessary inconvenience to attend these events. I love him more than anyone else I've been with - but it takes a strong, patient woman willing to sacrifice a lot, to date a doctor. And what happens when we have kids?? Am I that woman? Sadly, I'm not sure at this point.

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  83. I am not a Doctor’s Wife, rather my girlfriend is a primary care physician, and I moved in with her about 3 weeks ago. We are both 60; I’m semi-retired with a desire to go back to work (right now, I’m home alone). I just returned from a difficult meeting with my psychotherapist and felt depressed—then I found this amazing blog. As a former professor, I’m used to be alone working at home. For the past 3 weeks, I’ve tried to make the best of our little time together—she comes home and works on “charts,” and works on charts on the weekend. So I’ve tried to organize our week so we have some scheduled time together (i.e., creating a calendar for us); she wants to also accomplish her non-negotiables (e.g., paying bills), so I thought that bringing some structure to our life together would help; but she resists and resents my efforts. She wants to do things “in the flow,” meaning when she wants to do things, mainly at a moments notice. So I feel a little frightened after reading this blog. Don’t know how to handle this. R

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  84. GREAT BLOG: I am not a Doctor’s Wife, rather my girlfriend is a primary care physician, and I moved in with her about 3 weeks ago. We are both 60; I’m semi-retired with a desire to go back to work (right now, I’m home alone). I just returned from a difficult meeting with my psychotherapist and felt depressed—then I found this amazing blog. As a former professor, I’m used to be alone working at home. For the past 3 weeks, I’ve tried to make the best of our little time together—she comes home and works on “charts,” and works on charts on the weekend. So I’ve tried to organize our week so we have some scheduled time together (i.e., creating a calendar for us); she wants to also accomplish her non-negotiables (e.g., paying bills), so I thought that bringing some structure to our life together would help; but she resists and resents my efforts. She wants to do things “in the flow,” meaning when she wants to do things, mainly at a moments notice. So I feel a little frightened after reading this blog. Don’t know how to handle this. R

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  85. Yes you are all correct it's lonely and rewarding at the same time...But we can continue to make it work

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  86. Yes you are all correct... I am lonely but happy...He's always worth the wait...ALWAYS

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  87. MMy husband is an amazing human being and an international cardiologist. We met 20 years ago and married for 13. To his patients, he is a god! He performs multiple interventional cardiac procedures and saves many lives daily. He is extremely compassionate. He told me that there is nothing in the world that is more gratifying. I loved him for THAT! I had a busy career and tried continues that until my son was 3 years old and I realized that he saw us a few minutes during his awaken hours….After deep soul searching, I decided to stop working and be a stay at home mom. I managed my family/household systematically, like a job. Getting things done, solve every problems, started my day with long a to–do list daily. I was in charge of EVERY Aspect of our lives. I nursed all of my kids, I woke up for every diaper change and feeding, I took my kids to the doctors (no, he doesn’t treat them), I made decisions to when my kids needed surgeries, when my son is not being challenged in school, I home schooled him. When my daughter needs challenged in soccer, I took her everywhere, I studied vocabulary list with them, wrote essay with them, math facts……. I cooked every meal…… My husband went to work…being a god to his patients. He is on call ALL the time, he arrives home 9 pm and barely sit down for diner and then gets called away, then again 2 am heart attack.. Comes home 4 am and 7 am he goes to work again. If he is luck to be off call during the weekend, I would sleep most of the weekends away to make up the sleep deprivation. I didn’t have the heart to ask him to be a husband, to take care of things around the house or be a father………….. Now 13 years later, my son is a teenager. My 2 younger children are entering middle school soon. I look back the 13 years with such sadness and loneliness; I was extremely busy and had no time for myself or others. Our extended families NEVER offed any support and in fact ridicule me for not be able to be the proper doctor’s wife. When I do open up to one or two close female family member, they often tell me that their husbands are equally unavailable and I should not complaint. I remember when I had my first son via C-section, our families came to the hospital with Champagne and celebrated, not even one asked about my surgery…. They simply can’t relate to my/our lives. During those years, I think we had about 5 dinner dates. …………I am not ashamed to admit that I sometime cry and beg my husband and ask for support, as my children are growing older, I need more emotional strength to guild them. He often counts up the time he spent with his children, and that it’s my problem and my personality issues and that I need to take an antidepressant and I will be more positive…..
    I am no longer the vivacious young girl……life has not been easy. I tried my best, every bit of me…..I wish I know things better and would have taken a different path in life. I often contemplate divorcing my husband so that I could seek happiness elsewhere, or at least companionship. But I don’t have the heart to do this to my children. I often think about what I would tell my daughters if one day they tell me that they are dating a doctor……

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  88. My husband is an amazing human being and an international cardiologist. We met 20 years ago and married for 13. To his patients, he is a god! He performs multiple interventional cardiac procedures and saves many lives daily. He is extremely compassionate. He told me that there is nothing in the world that is more gratifying. I loved him for THAT! I had a busy career and tried continues that until my son was 3 years old and I realized that he saw us a few minutes during his awaken hours….After deep soul searching, I decided to stop working and be a stay at home mom. I managed my family/household systematically, like a job. Getting things done, solve every problems, started my day with long a to–do list daily. I was in charge of EVERY Aspect of our lives. I nursed all of my kids, I woke up for every diaper change and feeding, I took my kids to the doctors (no, he doesn’t treat them), I made decisions to when my kids needed surgeries, when my son is not being challenged in school, I home schooled him. When my daughter needs challenged in soccer, I took her everywhere, I studied vocabulary list with them, wrote essay with them, math facts……. I cooked every meal…… My husband went to work…being a god to his patients. He is on call ALL the time, he arrives home 9 pm and barely sit down for diner and then gets called away, then again 2 am heart attack.. Comes home 4 am and 7 am he goes to work again. If he is luck to be off call during the weekend, I would sleep most of the weekends away to make up the sleep deprivation. I didn’t have the heart to ask him to be a husband, to take care of things around the house or be a father………….. Now 13 years later, my son is a teenager. My 2 younger children are entering middle school soon. I look back the 13 years with such sadness and loneliness; I was extremely busy and had no time for myself or others. Our extended families NEVER offed any support and in fact ridicule me for not be able to be the proper doctor’s wife. When I do open up to one or two close female family member, they often tell me that their husbands are equally unavailable and I should not complaint. I remember when I had my first son via C-section, our families came to the hospital with Champagne and celebrated, not even one asked about my surgery…. They simply can’t relate to my/our lives. During those years, I think we had about 5 dinner dates. …………I am not ashamed to admit that I sometime cry and beg my husband and ask for support, as my children are growing older, I need more emotional strength to guild them. He often counts up the time he spent with his children, and that it’s my problem and my personality issues and that I need to take an antidepressant and I will be more positive…..
    I am no longer the vivacious young girl……life has not been easy. I tried my best, every bit of me…..I wish I know things better and would have taken a different path in life. I often contemplate divorcing my husband so that I could seek happiness elsewhere, or at least companionship. But I don’t have the heart to do this to my children. I often think about what I would tell my daughters if one day they tell me that they are dating a doctor……

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  89. Hi. am Makobue from South Africa... Just stumbled across this site today after trying to find ways to help me cope with dating a Doctor. It is soooo difficult to cope. This guy is always busy. we could go for days without talking which would seem normal to him but hurtful to me. Am constantly trying to be the understanding girlfriend and try to remain humble towards him at all times but It hurts a lot. at times I find myself feeling blessed but when the realities of being lonely and feeling like I am all alone sets in, I become so frustrated!Wish I knew ways on how to cope with being a girlfriend to a doctor! It is soooo hard!

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  90. I have to say that I am a lucky woman. My husband who was on-call and working 32+hours in a row had an epiphany a few months ago. His father died and he was not given one day off. We planned the funeral around his work and call schedule. Then a few months later he was not given time off for our daughter's pre-school graduation which was a big deal at the school especially since the school was closing. He started to reflect on how he had become accustomed to missing the day to day moments but these were the big ones that were now being pushed behind his work in priorities. We also noticed a change in all of our (parents and children alike) moods. He left his practice of many years and started a new one this week. Now he is home for dinner every night, takes a fraction of the calls, and doesn't work holidays! There was a decrease in pay but an increase in our quality of life already! We have all felt it and our house seems absolutely different. The two of us are going on an overnight this weekend. It won't be easy with the lower salary but it will be better than the alternative. My children started a new school this year and up until last week, my husband couldn't have told you what time they started or where to drop them off. My husband was definitely worth the heartache and suffering that I endured but I am grateful that he was able to see that our family was worth a change in lifestyle. If he/she is worth fighting for... Fight for them! Accompany them and support them for as long as you can and then remind them why you joined together. I had told him that if he hadn't changed jobs, that I wouldn't have left him but that our relationship would probably become irreparable. That was enough for him.

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  91. So good to find this ...I am married to a Dr with 2 young kids. 5 months and 3 years old and it is like being a single parent . I have given up my career to stay with the kids and lonely is most cetainly my new reality. You would think surrounded by kids and being off every day would not be lonely but never having anyone to share your kids achievements with in person is hard. WhatsApp pics and conversations just don't work. We haven't been on holiday in years first because of no money as he was studying while in worked ..now because he is an intern and I don't work. It is really hard and so good to see that I am not alone in this. I wish I could find a support group in South Africa . Perhaps I will have to start one.

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  92. Hi everyone - like you all, I have been finding it hard dating my boyfriend who is a doctor. The long antisocial hours often leave me feeling lonely, and when he is home he is so tired. I have been looking for a support group on facebook but couldn't find one so I have created one. I don't know any other doctor's wives. girlfriends, husbands etc so there I need people to join my group. Part of the reason I created it is because my friends find it hard to understand.
    https://www.facebook.com/groups/177534482720814/
    Please come and say hi!

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  93. My fiance is a surgeon..I too suffer the same problem. Even after being in a relationship I have to take all the decision alone..live alone..hang with friends. The complete week I stay alone and feel lonely without a call or a message and even sometimes without a reply.. finally he find some time to meet me on Sunday..but this is quite uncertain. And if he meets it's after calling him for the several time..
    Sometimes I often think he is a wrong choice..unromantic and should quit this..
    But I love him ..and it's very difficult to go away from him. I am emotionally mentally and heartily attached to him.and it's quite unfair to leave the one you love..only for such a reason..
    Love is a relation where compromise sacrifices and understanding matters a lot..and to manage with surgeons is really a difficult job..

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  94. I'm not a doctors wife - im a doctors GF - but I expect that to change soon.

    I got the news that my mother suddenly died when I was with him.

    I had to drive 2 hours alone - and spend the next day alone - bc his partner was out of town - and he could t leave 12 patients on the floor.

    He is passionately loving - and he is "there" for me always. He came to be by my side as soon as he could..

    But it was frightening... kind of eye opening. Toughen up if you're the doctors girl.. I guess?

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  95. I am now 40, I have been seeing this man now my husband for 17 years. We got married two years ago. I can honestly say this isn't worth it. I have no kids with him I had one from a marriage before and I'm glad I have no kids with him now. I am exhausted from giving so much of me and I never got much back.. now that I'm married what do I have??? Money ? Lack of motivation and endless loneliness that has caused me to be a lazy 15 pounds heavier woman. Once 110 beauty 5 years later after helping him with his two kids and putting them first as well as my own I am now burning in sadness and anxiety .. so much I could do in life still yet I'm lost from tears and dissapoinment.
    This isn't what life is about. No matter what anyone says .. it's hard enough to be married and be great always together but to be married to a narcissist and a doctor is hell. I am trying to figure out how to go on in life and discover myself again. But the loneliness and the 13-15 hours ER shifts are taken everything I had left in me.. after all the bullshit he had put me through in the past.
    no money is worth it and no fear of the future facing it single once more is worth holding back from a better happier life.. don't do it ! Be with a nice guy and a doctor who will not put himself or his love for money first or his ego first.. u will be fighting lots of women away and will never be his heart..

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  96. Hi I am married to a doctor and I am alone most of the time. I can relate to this post. We also live in a foreign country which is another element of difficulty. I work part time from home and am involved in a church fortunately, but I miss my husband. We also struggle with infertility. I feel very sad sometimes but I try to stay strong.

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