Monday, January 28, 2013

You Know You're a Surgeon's Wife When... (Vol. 3)

In any household you can find gel...
Hair Gel
Dishwasher Gel
Hand Gel
Toothpaste Gels
Gel Candles
and lest we forget...
the Menopausal Gels
and Sexy Time Gels.

However, you know you're a surgeon's wife
when you come downstairs to find...

Ultrasound Gel sitting on your dining room table.

Most people have one of these...

But it's not usually attached to one of these...
(In case you're wondering, 
everything we imaged on ourselves looked good! Phew!) 

And then some people have something that may look like this 
next their bed...

But, rest assured that mine is connected to...



And then remember my melancholy post last week? 
Doc H came home with these later that day. 
How lucky am I?




And, don't forget! 
Next Monday is the first Monday of the month which means
our Medical Monday Link Up will be live! 
Click here for more information. 
Feel free to email me (yourdoctorswife@gmail.com) 
if you have any questions. 

Thursday, January 17, 2013

If You're Marrying a Future Doctor, Add This To Your Vows

Someone pass me the toothpicks. I'm struggling to keep my eyelids in the open position, but I have to punch this out on the keyboard before I fall back asleep and this post is erased from my memory like a haphazard dream. 

If you're marrying a doctor, there is an IMPERATIVE addition to the future doctor's vows to you. I tell you, if you forget, you will find yourself thinking of me every damn time you find yourself in such a pickle.

Last night, I was asleep by 11pm. I was perturbed to find myself awake at 1:30am. Irritated at 3am, and purely frustrated at 4:30am.

I must have finally fallen back asleep by 5am. 

Ahhhhhhh....... 

Then...

 BUZZZZZZ!!!! RATTLE, RATTLE!!!!! BUZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!

"What the HELL is that," I yell.

Slowly and in a very sleepily voice, Doc H mutters "My beeper on vibrate."

"Dammit!!! I just went to sleep! I've been up since 1:30!!"

I peer at the clock. It's almost five effing thirty in the morning. Dammit to hell in a designer handbag.

Doc H stumbles out of bed, grabs his pager, walks to my side of the bed, grabs our landline phone, and heads into the bathroom to return the page in a good hearted attempt to shield me from the noise of the call. 

I grab his pillow and throw it over my head in an effort to find a piece of drowsyland. 

Drowsyland is there. I see it. I feel it. I headed it that direction. A wave of happiness wafts over me. I'm going to fit in another hour of sleep before I have to report for Mom duty. 

Then...

BEEP! BEEP!... BEEP! BEEP!... BEEP! BEEP!... BEEP! BEEP!... BEEP! BEEP!...

His damn iPhone's alarm! Son of a bee-atch!

So...

In the wedding vows, be sure the future doctor includes: 
"...I vow to always carry the pager AND the cell phone as I leave the bedroom to return pages. I promise to turn off all alarms, and any other potentially piercing noise makers every morning as I leave the bed as long a we both shall live. "
This should be a non-negotiable item, my friends. NON-NEGOTIABLE.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Happy Blogiversary to Me!

Today I'm wishing this blog of mine a


I want to thank all of you who read, comment, and email me.
It's heartwarming to know I have engaged and entertained you.
When I first started this blog, I doubted I'd ever find readers. 
I assumed I would be venting into a cyber hole, 
shaving some bucks of my therapy bill. 
I'm serious.
You all have been so welcoming and supportive of this endeavor 
and I thank you so very much.

And, to Doc H, thank you for 
loving me,
trusting me,
and
supporting me,
as I write about our journey
through life.
I love you.

And, now, without further ado...
the winner of the Michael Kors Tote is
Kelly G. from The Grant Life
Please email me at
yourdoctorswife.com
You have 48 hours to claim your prize!
Congratulations!

Thanks to all that entered!




Tuesday, January 15, 2013

And Then My Dirty Thong Fell Into My Coffee

It could have been a fantastic morning.

The day was starting and it was full potential. My hot cup off coffee was never too far from me and Doc H was going into the hospital late.

Stuff happened, and then my dirty thong fell into my coffee.

What "stuff" happened you ask? There could be many different scenarios, but I'll give you two...

Hot morning sex with Doc H. Panties get ripped off in a fit of passion, thrown across the room only to land in my coffee cup.

Or...

Take an early morning shower and as I left the bathroom carrying my dirty clothes, my dirty thong falls into your coffee cup.

Did you guess correctly?

Yeah, it's proving to be one of those days. I should've just taken my cue from the morning omen.

Doc H started his day late, which I thought would be a nice change. I thought we might be able to have  a cup of coffee together. The vision of us around the table sharing a pot of coffee was squashed as soon as he came down the stairs muttering something about a conference call.

I must be in a mood, because as I listened to him utter words such as "catheter", "stent", "creatinine", and "bypass" my insides shuddered. This morning, I was jealous of the amount of time medical terms consume our lives. Normally, that's not me. That's not the way I normally I feel about medicine.

I'm in a mood, I tell you.

Tomorrow will be a better day.


Monday, January 14, 2013

You Know You're a Surgeon's Wife When... {Vol. 2}

What would you do if you called your husband on his cell phone and, after a few rings, you hear an unfamiliar woman's voice answer?

You know you're a surgeon's wife when a strange woman answers your husband's cell phone and you are relieved she did so.

"Dr. Smith's phone. This is Nurse Betty."

"Ummm..., hi. This is Emma, his wife."

"Oh, hi."

"Is he in the OR?"

"Yes, we are. Can I ask him a question for you?"

"Ummm... (should I really ask what I need to ask?), how long will you be?"

"We started an hour ago and have about six hours to go."

"Well, that answers my question." (Not really. That wasn't my question.)

"Can I ask him anything else?"

I quickly contemplate asking the question I really need to ask.

I picture my husband doing something like this..


surrounded by a team like this...

I imagined my question flying across the OR, landing on the ears of the other doctors and nurses... "DOC H, YOUR WIFE IS ASKING IF PAYING $250 FOR A CAR BATTERY IS TOO MUCH? AND, SHE'S STRANDED AT THE CAR DEALERSHIP AND IS ASKING IF YOU CAN PICK HER UP?"

Never mind.

"Ummm... no, thank you, Nurse Betty. That's all. Bye."


In case you missed "You Know You're a Surgeon's Wife When...(Vol. 1), you can read it here.





Sunday, January 13, 2013

Play It Again, Sundays {Saddled With The Pager}

{Originally published May 21, 2012}

This morning began routinely: wake up, get dressed, coffee, a few daily scheduling remarks and reminders shared with Doc H, school drop-offs, return home to the dog. All normal. Nothing new. Then the phone rang... It was Doc H asking me to search his robe pockets for his pager. I did and I found it. My husband saddled me with the pager for the day.

This has happened before. It doesn't happened frequently, but when it does, it runs my day. I become obsessed and unnerved by the little, archaic technological relic. I don't think drug dealers even use beepers anymore, right? Yet, here I am; saddled and strapped to the beast all day long. When the beast screams for Doc H, it's my call to action. I must immediately text Doc H with the call back number.

This bastard (the pager, not Doc H- just wanted to make sure that was clear) stresses me out. What if I read the numbers wrong? What if I text a typo? Transpose numbers? What if someone is on the other end bleeding...bad.

I know if I get in the shower it will scream at me mid-shampoo. I have errands to run. I don't want it screaming at me, drawing attention to me in Safeway. I don't want to clog up the Metamucil aisle like I did last time as I text the page. The busload of seniors from the independent living facility in my neighborhood are not patient grannies and grampies. One even mumbled I should learn to drive my buggy as she squeezed by me. Didn't she noticed I was traumatized? I was texting as fast as possible, my eyes darting back and forth between pager and IPhone, double checking the number, correcting the number all while whispering obscenities to myself? Didn't they notice the stress sweat forming on my upper lip? Cut me some slack lady!

Woman's clothes were not designed to carry pagers. Even if Doc H's pager had a clip, which it does not, women's clothing does support such devices. So I have to carry it...in a pocket. Women's clothes don't have those either... especially functioning pockets. We have small decorative pockets which may be large enough to carry a lipstick, not a pager.

My purse is not a viable option. Like most mom purses, my purse is a black hole. I'm afraid I would never find it in a timely manner.

So what's a Doc wife to do? I carry it like every other self-respecting woman who has something of value on her person... I stick it in my cup. I've got two cups, but you'll usually find it in the left cup.  My silhouette is a little deformed as I push the buggy down around the store, but at least I know it's there, it's safe, and it's easily retrievable.

Now, if I could just figure out how to turn it on vibrate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Click here if you're curious how my day went.



Friday, January 11, 2013

They're Not Ta-Tas and Va-Jay-Jay's in The Exam Room

We're going to get serious real quick today.

Breasts and vaginas.

See? Quick and serious.

Notice I didn't call them ta-tas and va-jay-jays or tits and coochies. Why? Because, we're talking about these lady parts in the medical sense today... not as parts we play with.

I found myself commenting on Lab Coats and Liabilities' latest post, Facing the Doctor Reality (read it... go ahead... I'll wait for you right here). Miss L is struggling with her boyfriend's transition into what I call "DoctorLand".  DoctorLand is the world in which your Doc H equivalent works many hours away from home. You find yourself alone (a lot), and to make matters worse, Miss L's boyfriend is on gynie patrol. Yep, he's touching other women's private parts. And getting paid to do so. Legally.

If this turns you on, I think you need counseling.
I think the trick to keeping your sanity and maintaining a happiness within yourself as a Doctor's Wife is twofold. First, you must be an independent spirit who enjoys time to herself and can single-handedly hold down the family fortress by herself. Second, you have to remember medicine can be as nasty as a hat full of anusholes.

Yes, medicine is exciting, fascinating, and intriguing. However, it is also smelly and vile. There's piss, poop, and plenty of other body odors which rival sulfur. Gross. Right behind piss and poop are saggy, old breasts and strangers' vaginas, which in my book are just as nasty. Trust me... I am at an age in which I must roll my breasts up and into their cups every morning. This daily routine makes me an expert in this field.

Have you looked your vagina in the eye, lately? Yes, the vagina is a powerful thing; it's able to spew life. Some will compare its beauty to a flower.

I call bullsh*t on that one.

It's ugly and smelly.

On the exam table, it's worse. Unless it's there for a normal check up, Miss L's boyfriend will be looking at vaginas displayed on an exam table which are infected, dried up, knocked up, or effed up with PP, HPV, or a long and sordid list of STDs.

Worse case scenario: the lady patient finds Miss L's doctor boyfriend attractive. What will the patient do after squirming around uncomfortably as he feels her breasts for lumps and removes the cold, hard speculum after her PAP? She'll switch to another OB/BYN.

How do I know this?

I once attended a woman's networking meeting and this EXACT same subject came up. One lady shared the story of how she had to switch OBs because she thought her doctor was too attractive. Several other ladies nodded in amazement. They had the SAME experience with a local OB/GYN. Imagine the laughter that errupted in the room when we discovered they had all quit the same OB/GYN. Apparently, no one wants McDreamy or McSteamy doing gynie patrol on them.

Women don't want to be touched by strange men even if they are their doctor. Likewise, I think male doctors feel the distain of the encounter and feel equally uncomfortable. If they are comfortable, they've been practicing for awhile and breasts and vaginas are to them just as nuts and screws are to a handyman; the parts' names are suggestive, but nothing pleasant can be done with them.

Breasts and vaginas are merely work parts. Some may be better than others, but none are quite like the ones you have at home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't Forget To Help Me Celebrate My One Year Blogiversary!
Enter Here for a Free Michael Kors Designer Bag!

Linking up at:
Blow Your Own Blog-Horn



Thursday, January 10, 2013

You'll Want In on This Giveaway!

January 16th will mark my first completed year as blogger and I want to celebrate my accomplishment with you and thank all my loyal followers!

I'll admit, I've been pondering this celebration for awhile... 
Should I revel my true identity?
I think Doc H would be really, REALLY MAD at me.
Post a picture of myself?
Same as above.

I decided to giveaway a designer bag I absolutely adore!



Michael Kors Canvas and Leather Tote (Large)
Brand new, tags still attached, purchased from Nordstrom. In fact, I will ship it to you in the original Nordstrom box. Value is over $100.

It is the perfect accessory for any Spring or Summer outfit! 
So don't miss out on this one. You can enter every day by tweeting about this fantastic giveaway.

On Wednesday, January 16th, I will draw and announce the winner. Winner will have 48 hours to contact me with name and shipping address. If no one comes forward, I will draw another winner. This process will continue until I have a claimed prize! :)

Open to US and Canada residents only.


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Trophy Wife

My gay friends hold a special place in my heart... especially my male gay friends. They have a unique way and uncanny ability to deliver the raw truth without any ulterior motives.  They break down and point out your weaknesses only to better you. They are not jealous, nor is there any passive-aggressive undertone to their suggestions or comments.

Gay men can tell you the highlights you spent $150 are all wrong for you, the top you are wearing is completely wrong for you, or suggest you change the type of undergarments you wear to better enhance your figure and you can trust they are right. The bottom line??? They are ALWAYS right. And, you LOVE them for it.

The other night, while on vacation, I found myself (Doc H had already left for home to get back to the hospital...surprise...surprise) eating dinner at the home of my nearest, dearest, and oldest friends, who also happen to be a gay couple. We were chatting about the usual... family, kids, and whatever life dramas we were experiencing at the moment. I can't even remember what the topic was or what we were talking about when I was told something that's stuck with me now for days...

"...You know why? Because YOU are the TROPHY wife," he said through sincere smiles.


As I sat there with no make-up on, barely able to stand up straight after spending the afternoon on my hands and knees mopping the floors, scrubbing the toilets of our future retirement home, dressed in my worst and oldest pair of jeans, I scoffed at the thought.

It's been bothering me that these friends, whom I trust their opinion, think me a "trophy" wife.

He backed up his statement by pointing out the times they've seen me dressed up, and the photos I've posted on Facebook of us which were taken at medical events.

I don't consider myself a trophy wife and, honestly, I don't want to be seen as such.

A trophy wife doesn't struggle with her weight. A trophy wife LOVES the gym and yoga.

Not me!

A trophy wife is a beautiful statuesque woman. She is always dressed and made up to perfection. Most likely she's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Now, I'm no Einstein, but I consider myself plenty smart. I always need my pants hemmed thanks to my petite stature. Like all women, I can slap on some make up, nice clothes, and run a straightener or curling iron through my hair to push myself from "homely" into "cute" status.

CUTE does not equal TROPHY.

Right??

I think I'm reading too much into it... time to let it go.

I ask you... What's your idea of a "trophy" wife?



Blog-working Wednesday!


Monday, January 7, 2013

Medical Monday {January Edition}


Let's start this 2013 of with a BANG!
It's the first Monday of the month, so it's...

Medical Monday!
{listen to the roaring applause!}


Did you have a great New Year's? Or was yours a dud, thanks to hospital scheduling or the untimely beep of a pager? We've all had that experience, haven't we? No, not yet? Oh, Honey, you're young and just beginning your journey! It's a comin'... just wait.  But the good news is that the light at the end of the tunnel is quite bright. You get to pay your bills on-time, and loosen the purse strings. No more robbing Peter to pay Paul. 

We have been vacationing at our future retirement home this past week. By the time Medical Monday begins, we will be back home and Doc H will be back in the hospital, and some of our kids will be back in school. Life will be returning to normal. 

And honestly? That sounds good to me. 

If you're new to my blog, I welcome you and invite you to poke around! Here are a few of my favorite posts:

And then there is the ever-popular saga, the one I get the most requests for updates on...
...I'm trying to love him (REALLY! I am!). But, gosh, he makes it hard!

But on to the fun stuff of the day!!!  Medical Monday BlogHop!




Medical Monday is an opportunity for any and all medical/med life blogs to link up and meet others. So join us!

Are you confused if you qualify for the party?

Do you work in healthcare?
Doctor? Nurse? EMT? Chiropractor? Vet? Dentist? Therapist?
MA? NA? PA? DA?
Are you the spouse or SO of a healthcare worker/student?
Are you a nursing student? Medical student?
Intern? Resident? Fellow?

You get the picture, right? 

LINK UP YOUR POST!

Our once a month bloghop for bloggers like yourself, where we can build a community of support and friendship, learn from one another and share our stories and what's going on in our lives.


Here are the rules:

  1. Follow your co-hosts via GFC or email.
  2. Link up you medical/med life blog. If your blog name does not clearly state how you fit in to the med/med life world, please write a little intro or link up a specific post which clearly demonstrates your connection.
  3. Visit at least 3 other link ups, comment, introduce yourself, and tell the your stopping by or following from MM!
  4. Help spread the word by using our button on your post or sidebar, tweet about Medical Monday, or spread the word on Facebook! The more the merrier for all of us!
And here's a helpful tip. . .

If you haven't turned of word verification, it's ON. Please turn it off. We'll all LOVE you!!
Not sure how? Click here for instructions.

Complete step one by following your co-hosts:


Want to be awesome?
Post our button on you post or sidebar and help spread the word:



Want to co-host next month? Shoot Emma an email at yourdoctorswife@gmail.com and be sure to write "Medical Monday Co-host Request" in the subject field.

Now, link up below and have fun! The link up is open through Friday, so be sure to come back during the week to check some great reads!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

A New Year, a New Medical Monday Blog Hop!

Let's start this 2013 off with a BANG!
This coming Monday is the first Medical Monday Blog Hop of 2013, so GET READY and join us!

This month's hosts are:


  • Emma at Your Doctor's Wife
  • Jane at From A Doctor's Wife
  • Meredith at The Mitten Wife
  • Mrs. Dr. Looze at When Life Gives You Medicine Make Martinis







  • Medical Monday is an opportunity for any and all medical/med life blogs to link up and meet others. So join us!

    Want to be awesome?
    Post our button on your Medical Monday post or sidebar and help spread the word:



    The Medical Monday link up will go live Monday 12am EST.
    See you all there!


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